Ginger sent me this article this morning about how wanting to quit an addiction is usually more successful than treatment alone. Coming from a long line of [mostly] functional alcoholics, I’ve seen how many things don’t change if you don’t really want them too. There’s an interesting correlation with relationships there too. In the past I’ve always wanted to do whats right, but the trouble is in figuring out what that is. Because someone else thinks something is right, and you value their opinion and care about them, isn’t really enough. Maybe that’s just me, but because I feel so much, I need to believe in something before it’s going to fight it’s way close enough to my core to make a significant difference in my actions.

I had to laugh, I’m getting promoted to “Senior Systems Administrator” because we’re hiring my friend Eric and we want to give him a title of “Systems Administrator”, which is my title now. I realize it’s also because of my competance and hard work, but having been a Systems Adminstrator for so long, in so many places, doing so many different things, I’ve come to feel like the title really means “Person who gets shit done”. At one point I started using “Systems and Network Engineer” on resumes to denote that I do much more than maintain systems, but I don’t really fight about titles because I could care less. I probably should care more, for my careers sake, but I argue that I wouldn’t want to work some place where I was judged on my past titles and not my competence. So it’s funnier to think of it this way.

I’ve been hanging out with Ginger all week after work, which has been awesome, because she’s awesome. We’re going to Burning Man at the end of the month, which should prove to be an adventure.

Bikes versus cars is stupid. Assholes drives cars, assholes also ride bikes. I don’t understand why so many people can’t understand this.

I rode CM in PDX last night, and had a great time. Everyone thought it was dead, but it wasn’t. My post this morning to the PDX CM list:

I think we started at the park with apolice car, and they had asked the group to ride to the river where the bicycle poliewhere. For a bt we had two police cars and five bicycle police. They were very helpful with both the cars and the bikes corking at times when a light turned mid group.

At one point the group started blowing through lights that were already red and there was a brief incident with a motorist but the group was apologetic and nothing came of it. The police asked us to stop running lights, and shortly after they all left. Something was said about it not being a good use of police resources.

After we rode the max up to the zoo, and down, without escort or incident.

I felt like there were a couple in the group that wanted to use the mass to control the streets, but there were also a couple that were leading that were very reasonable and concerned about safety.

The mass was called because it was getting late and many riders didn’t have lights.

Some who had ridden CM elsewhere were uncomfortable with the police presence. I felt the police were very reasonable with the group and thought that having a few police bikes mixed throughout the ride showed great cooperation, almost like they were part of the ride rather than an escort. Nobody was cited for anything or given official warnings. Someone asked them about corking and they were alright with it.

I think the interaction comes down to everyone being reasonable. Don’t abuse the mass to control the streets, but definitely ride diferently to keep the mass safe.

At least one person randomly joined the mass, one person asked me where it started and said they would come next month, and at least a dozen asked if it was CM and then cheered us on.

So all in all, I think it was very positive.

Not to be outdone, SEA CM had a fun bike/car incident. Some asshole in a car in a hurry started hitting bikes, some asshole on a bike started smashing windows and shit. It’s really awesome how lame the news reports are. Ryan McElroy has an good witness account. King 5 has a terrible, fucking inexcusable piece of writing. The Oregonian follows suit. Scott appears to be summarizing events, along with a reasonable take on it all.
Bikes vs Cars aside, let’s talk about news. I work for a company involved in online advertising indirectly. I hear a lot about how a lot of advertising is moving online, away from traditional media like newspaper and television. I haven’t bought a news paper in a very, very long time, and I only read one if I’m alone in a restaurant and one happens to be sitting there.

Blog posts and other online sites that are well linked, that is, that reference their news sources are the future. If you read these articles, they’re all written as fact, or at least as what is “apparent”. Ryan says he offered to be interviewed but nobody did. Who knows why, but the point is that you can’t trust news sources. Not that you can trust a single person more, but you can trust a mass of sources.

It’s an interesting analogy to open source communities which is interesting, as I’ve been talking about them recently. Communities are self policing, pretty naturally. Media is not, apparently. If we assume everyone is going to serve their self-interests, then what are these groups self interests? I’ll let you answer that one for yourself.

Older friends tend to look at me funny about meeting girls online. Jason (match > okc) and I (okc > match) talked for a while tonight about the difficulty meeting people with common interests online and how “match percentage” and such numbers aren’t always all that useful. Meeting people with common interests is easier through said interests but then you don’t know if they’re single, interested in dating, whatever. It’s a complicated balance.

I struggle at times with keeping my emotions docile. That is, trying to keep them to myself as to not make others uncomfortable. They seem to produce an impression with girls that things are moving too fast, or that I’m looking for some kind of commitment from them. Hmm. Maybe I am, but I’m not expecting as much. I definitely support people acting on how they feel and try to live accordingly.

Edge is too flaky on the train this far out to maintain an internet connection, so it may be waiting until Portland for that. I tried reading a bit more of Stick and Rudder but was really too tired. I picked up Hitchikers guide last night and got through the intro and a few pages in, again too tired. Thinking about this, I’m recalling times when I’m sitting still long enough to feel tired.

I first remember the times I used to go to camp while living in Maine. I had stopped going when my parents did, preceding their divorce, and took it back up myself in my teenager years, usually with friends or inviting my mother along. I think the last time I went to camp with father was within a couple of years of the divorce. As a side story, it took some stubbornness of my own to go back to the camp he had built with my mother before it was sold. He stopped going there due to some drama, but I made a hike in to see the place through the eyes of a young adult rather than the glossy memories of my childhood. Anyways, camp is a simpler place, and the first couple nights usually full of more sleep than I would have realized I needed before finding a nicer rhythm.

I rarely fall asleep in movies, because I get caught up in them; be it the action, the story or just some sort of transference out of reality. Sometimes though, I’ll watch a familiar movie at home, intending to fall asleep.

Long driving adventures over eight hours or so are tiring, especially if I’m not talking or singing. I have to resort to stopping often for coffee; more for the stopping and walking than the caffiene, as I’m quite tolerant to the latter.

More interesting is how tired I feel when I’m around someone I like and, perhaps most importantly, that I’m comfortable with. All of these don’t seem connected very directly. That is, the lack of distraction is probably the most common thread. But the much more interesting thread that isn’t necessarily common is that of being at ease.

It’s hard for me to stop, and let everything go. I was thinking last night about how I don’t describe myself as outgoing, yet I’ve met on my own according more than an average number of people, mostly through looking for groups with common interests; of which I have many of. Many would probably debate that I am outgoing, but I rarely thrive on going out and meeting people, while at the same time I really like some people.

Similarly, I really enjoy doing and learning. When left to my own devices, I’m always up to something and get anxious if I sit around too long. I went to a party on the 4th where I only knew one person and found myself over whelmed with the quantity of people. If it was a small group of six or eight I probably would interject enough to join the conversation, but I’m comfortable with small talk in larger groups and working a crowd. After a while I started getting anxious about sitting around and headed out to find a small group of friends elsewhere.

So it’s particularly interesting when given the opportunity to be at ease. I knew of this a little from past relationships but, hadn’t been introspective enough at the time to offer an explanation for it, especially with an intimidatingly judging jury. Anyhow, that’s my mind on a train.

Some SWN kids, Tori and I caught Hellboy last night. The first half was pretty awesome since I had a bunch of whiskey in me, which meant the sober second half was a little less funny in a “bryan is drunk” way. Oh well.

We ran into Dan Kaminsky while sitting at the bike racks outside. Eric had noticed him in the theater; such is the Seattle scene. It reminded me of comments by Paul Vixie who is apparently in charge of coordinating vendor patches for Dan’s most recent internet shattering security exploit that will get disclosed in a couple weeks.

First, take the advisory seriously—we’re not just a bunch of n00b alarmists, if we tell you your DNS house is on fire, and we hand you a fire hose, take it.

Which ties in a lot to my comments yesterday about Linus bitching about the security scene. As you can tell, this has been on my mind.

A friend of mine wrote a couple things that I’ve been thinking about too. First:

if you identify with any of the following stereotypes/social groups: Frat Boy, Jock, Yuppie, Serious Gamer, or “Just a normal guy”.

I feel like there was a time in my life where I identified as average. I can’t put my finger on it though, like it could have been a dream, or a joke. As I mentally flip through periods of my life, I wonder what I could identify as. Certainly living in the loft, I played a lot of games, but those days are long since past and I just don’t like sitting about the house unless I’m worn out and watching a movie or having a party of some kind. I suppose I was a gamer then, but I have to wonder. I have this on my okcupid profile:

I’m a strong blend of intelligent, hardworking, useful guy with a lot of sappiness, caring and emotion in there. What parts of that you see are really about who you are and how you act. I don’t think about it a whole lot, any indication that I’m able to adapt situationally is somewhat natural at this point from so many years of trying to get along with different people and building pathways unconsciously as a result.

I certainly enjoyed playing computer games, but how much of it was because I had a lot of friends, mostly around all the time, who also did? Did I really like playing computer games, or did I really like people? That I rarely play computer games anymore is a sign that I wasn’t really that in to them and my friends are different sorts now, or am I somehow different?

Those are sort of loaded, difficult questions, but it’s interesting. So what/who am I now? I’m a believer in the whole is greater than the sum of the parts concept (have I been writing that backwards for years?). I could list traits to fit me into different stereotypes. I don’t eat meat, I’m empathetic, I wear dirty old clothes; does that make me a hippie? If I list my certification abbreviations after my name it’s longer than my name, I have four monitors on my desk at home and I’m perfectly capable of holding a conversation in acronyms; does that make me a geek? I’ve rebuilt engines, transfer cases, welded frame parts; am I a grease monkey? I now ride my fixie to work, sport a messenger bag, and live in Seattle; am I a hipster?

The reality, I believe, is that I’m unique. Perhaps exceptionally unique. Not in a “You are a beautiful flower” fight club sort of way, I just don’t know people like me. I know people I like, and some of those people I share interests with. Those people become my friends, but we’re different people. If anything comes close it’s a sort of attitude. I think Matthew and I share this attitude, but we grew up in different situations (and different times) and thus ended up with some different ideas and likes.

So no, I’m not just a normal guy. I don’t know what I am. I guess I have the rest of my life to figure it out or come to an epic conclusion that it won’t really matter much. That of course will be hindsight, because who you are matters a lot, but I think we gain more from figuring it out than knowing it.

Adam passed this post by Linus Torvalds across to me recently, and I agree with it quite a bit. There isn’t a paragraph to take out of context and paste here, just read it, it’s short.

The reality is that security people tend to get all worked up about security. As a Systems Administrator, I’m concerned and weigh in on security, but it’s part of my multi-faceted approach to Getting Things Done. I do about fifteen milliseconds of risk assessment with each choice, and try to use some experience + common sense to convert what security folk deem as a “really big hole” in real terms.

That being said, I know a bunch of security people, and pretty much all of them that aren’t alarmists tend to be the smarter ones who do cool things and are nice folk to be around.

This weekend while chilling with kids from the slow sunday ride, I somehow finally got to understand that the old timers saying of “uphill both ways” actually meant that your start and stop were both on a hill, with a valley between them, and could actually be legit.

I built a new wheel for my Schwinn due to not liking the quick release on the old hub. Since I was buying a new nutted hub anyways, I got a flip flop and now have a 17/19 fixed and a 18 freewheel. I’ve been riding the 17 fixed for a couple days. I can’t tell if my soreness is from riding constantly for weeks, or from switching to a fixed gear. Since it’s mostly my back, I think I blame a satchel full of pints actually. I want an LHT but I’ve been deciding lately to not spend money since I’m spending so much on flight training and kind of screwing myself. If I’m really good I might buy some clipless pedals and shoes though.

I also have something to say about [not being] “just a normal guy”, but I’ve been too busy lately to get there.

I just got this email. Please don’t anyone call the police, they’ll know. I don’t know what I’m going to do yet.

I am very sorry for you Bryan, is a pity that this is how your life is going to end as soon as you don’t comply. As you can see there is no need of introducing myself to you because I don’t have any business with you, my duty as I am mailing you now is just to KILL you and I have to do it as I have already been paid for that.

WARNING: DO NOT THINK OF CONTACTING THE POLICE OR EVEN TELLING ANYONE BECAUSE I WILL KNOW.

GOOD LUCK AS I AWAIT YOUR CALL AT 585-991-3301 OR 585-237-3346.

I’ve been at work for a half hour and I’m still calming down; I don’t know how adrenaline junkies can handle it. I’ve mentioned that I ride Airport Way from Georgetown to downtown, and that I tried 4th Avenue but found the drivers there more aggressive. Usually I ride in between 8am and 9am, but I was up early for an appointment that got canceled and rode in between 7am and 8am and it was much worse.

For those who aren’t familiar, Airport way is four or five lanes most of the way, two each way with a center turning laning for stretches. The sidewalks are pretty non-existent as it’s an industrial area, and alternate between being mostly a parking lot, to a broken up sidewalk assaulted by foliage. Which makes them unusable (especially on a road bike) more than anything because of the limited sight distance that would require a walking pace or slower. I don’t think there’s a lot of bicycle commuting along this way, I usually see a half dozen bikes each way though. I say that because of the drivers though.

SODO is the only place in the city that I’ve been honked at for riding in the road (excluding critical mass). I’m always initially reacting as if there’s some sort of danger. Probably mostly from believing that horns mean danger but also because people probably don’t realize how loud and starting a horn is when it’s ten feet away from you and you’re not expecting it. Which generally causes an adrenaline influx that combined with the exercise lasts much longer than I’d like it to, probably taking a day off of my life each time or something.

Usually I’m honked at / yelled at once a day, this morning was four times in a single trip. Oh the horror of having to change lanes! Of course people are upset that I’m not on the sidewalk or the shoulder. They probably don’t know that I don’t have to be, the only requirement being that you ride as far to the right hand side of the right lane as is safe, that you MAY use the sidewalk, shoulder or bicycle lane if present. Even if confronted with these facts I’m sure they’re just upset and it wouldn’t matter.

During CM last week I was riding uphill on a side street on the sidewalk. I was going pretty slow, being headed uphill on a single speed and a shirtless dude stepped in front of me and stuck his arms and legs out to intentionally block me. I stopped and tried to analyze his aggression and how likely it was that he was going to hit me, he only said it’s state law that bicyclists are required to walk their bicycles on the sidewalk. While I believe that he truly believed this, it is nonetheless false and absurd. I told him that wasn’t true, and start to manuever around him. He almost moved to keep blocking me, but I think my lack of return aggression confused him or bored him and he gave up and went inside. He was probably drunk anyways.

So much anger though. I read Bike Commuting in 10 Easy Steps the other day and enjoyed it, but this part sticks in my mind:

5. Your life is actually quite good.
The thing that bothers me the most about bike commuting is the angry people in cars that you encounter about once every three months. They love to yell at you as they speed by, only to come to a complete stop about five seconds later at the light. I finally realized that someone that feels the need to roll down their window and yell at me (while I am riding lawfully) is having a really bad life. I’m glad I’m not that upset and angry.

By the time the third pickup truck full of assholes honked at me I started giving them the finger. I don’t think I was angry, but definitely annoyed and somewhat strung-out from all of the honking. I wish it happened only once every three months and not three times every trip.