Monthly Archives: March 2009

comments

Every once in a while I get an email saying someone has created an account here, but I rarely see comments as a result. What am I missing?

I’m trying to make graphs for some new data collection I’ve done against couchdb HEAD, but last time I tried the result was pretty disappointing. I blame open office’s chart wizard. Jaunty has oo 3.0, so I’m trying to pull those packages right now. That’s slow, which means I probably will go to bed, or maybe I’ll just stay up writing. Going to Jaunty on a lone desktop is probably a mistake at this point, but testing we shall have.

I gave up and set up a payment plan for out of state tuition. Everything I’ve read from the forms implies I’m in plenty of time for a judgement deadline there, but I’ve also read a number of bits requiring payment within seven days of adding the class. So that will just happen, and hopefully we’ll get the rest resolved over the next month. Having to dig up so much paperwork for the SCCC residency forms is frustrating.

Getting shared library errors on the desktop already while trying to run vim. I guess I need to commit to this upgrade.

It’s a stark reminder to read the insight in my older blog posts. I’m going back through reading the product of the last six months of living.

Part of me wishes I could find some direction in other peoples writings, but I know that my problems are my own.

Reading these passages assures me that I actually know exactly how I feel, what I want, and what I think. There’s very little fluctuation in what I’ve been saying for some time now. I’ve been worried that I what I think could be wrong. I’ve been wrong plenty before. I worry too much about how other people are going to feel about this, and I don’t believe it’s done me any good.

Book: You got a plan?
Mal: Hiding ain’t a plan?
. . .
[Mal mentions that he could have left River behind.]
Book: It’s not your way, Mal.
Mal: I have a way? That better than a plan?

I may not have ever had a plan, and at this point I’m pretty sure I won’t. I do have a way, and I’m going to keep living it.

rainpocalypse

After nice weather was abruptly ended during my commute home with a downpour, I searched a bit for some place new to eat on Yelp, including a brief review of Squid’s comments, once again reminding me that I am not most people, and in fact am often upset by the priorities of most people. In the end, Tori and I ventured out in warmer clothes under drier skies for dinner at Smarty Pants for chow. Somehow field roast gets you drunk. So it goes.

I distinctly separate the things I think and the things I feel into two parts of me. While they affect each other, I’ve come to accept my feelings as a part of me that changes over time in reaction to experiences, but that I don’t change. On the other hand, I believe that the things I think are open for reinterpretation and manipulation to progressive ends.

I made the comment over the weekend that I view my father’s stoicism with negative feelings. I express the way I feel, and more often than not worry mostly about other people having to deal with the consequences of my feelings. Thinking back to early relationships, I remember years going by of not telling people of how I felt. Out of fear? Probably feelings of insignificance. Not probably, definitely. For those that feel and haven’t constructed complex defense mechanisms, or even those that have, the vulnerability of these kinds of feelings are awfully strong. Distracting, disorienting.

I never got over transgressions by my first girlfriend. It took me a while to come to terms with that. That may be why I have a problem with being stoic, I’m prone to it, and don’t feel okay about it. I don’t ask a lot of girlfriends, mostly I want them to like me and want to be around me. I’ll never have the skills/tricks/ability to manipulate a situation otherwise. I say that because of how I feel.

I’m an independent person though. I take care of myself and I have no expectations of anyone else doing anything for me. That’s as black and white as it gets. I get the benefit of appreciating what does get done for me because of it. The cons? Loneliness? I don’t know. I’ve never been any other way, it’s hard to say. Perhaps that I end up in dramatic situations more often than I should? I hold on too long?

Perhaps it doesn’t matter in the end. I will continue to do what I do, even when it’s one step forward, two steps back, because I simply don’t know any other way to act. I’m honest and straight forward, perhaps to a fault. You do the things that feel right, and do what needs to be done. Perhaps that’s ever bit a part of where I come from.

early morning

The lack of coffee filters in this house is distressing. Fortunately it appears all city opened at 6am, so I’m off in that direction shortly.

Seems like it was a drinking weekend. I worked late on some java + couchdb projects Friday night. Java is frustrating. So very much time is spent writing setup code and dealing with classes hidden deep in jars rather than just writing code. But it’s coming together and I got some results.

Sweet, Ken’s going to All City. So I’ll wait for that.

Mom and I met for dinner at Cafe Flora, and made it to the Shark for Dollhouse and BSG. The latter is coming to an end in three episodes and, well, as they say, is heating up. Saturday and Sunday morning were described already. I did get a second outlet into the garage later in the day yesterday, and pulled down the EMT I had picked up to make the bike rack with. I got thinking about my lack of a mitre box for making the 45 degree cuts when Scott and Meg showed up at Jules Maes, so Ken and I joined them. Ken and Scott floated the idea of using a chop saw, which seems mostly like a semi-good reason to blow more money on tools. Meg thinks Colin may have a tube bending machine in his shop that will go that big though.

It took me a couple years, but I got up to Seattle Central and took the compass placement exam for math/english. English scored were near perfect and placed me in ENG101. I assume from that it’s mostly to determine you don’t need any remedial “what is a comma” type work. Having had a math class history that’s suffered from being in and out of school when I was younger, I didn’t know where that would end up. I got placed into Pre-calc II. That class is full, as is the Computer Science class I was looking it, so I think I’m going to take Pre-calc I at night, which has space and will at least get me going. I’m still considering if I should take ENG101 as a correspondence course. I’ve got to deal with getting in-state tuition setup, so perhaps I’ll worry about that later. Oh the maths. And school. I’m not really sure what’s gotten into my head.

The latter part of the story goes as so. After dropping out of high school I spent six months coming to terms with existentialist angst, although I didn’t call it that at the time. Once that was settled, on with life. I spent some time working at the University of Maine in the Chemical Engineering department doing computer work. I wanted to go there, but I’d need a diploma. Since I was under 18, I couldn’t get a GED without a college having accepted me, and I couldn’t apply to UMO without a high school diploma. I got a letter from the college that looked all fancy asking them to let me take the GED, and one from a high school guidance counsellor explaining I was much better off this way, but it didn’t work. There’s some irony in the laws meant to keep kids in school, keeping kids out of school instead.

So I went back and took some night classes, tests and whatever through the adult education department to finish off the diploma, graduating a month early from high school to the surprise of many family members who were still convinced I was a no good drug addict, mostly because I must be immature and a failure because my parents raised me mostly without strong moral guidance tied with strict punishments. And a gold star to my parents for supposing I could learn all that on my own if allowed to. Eastern Maine Technical College (now a community college) was starting a new networking programming which I was interested in. I took a physics class at night there to meet the entry requirements. The class was incredibly frustrating due to the other students and towards the end of the class my attendance fell off a cliff. My instructor looked at me puzzle when I showed up on the last day, but let me take all the tests I had missed as well as the final and not let the time have gone to waste. By the time I was finished with that I looked at the syllabus, and saw the final quarter of the second year would be spent studying the material I had been reading for the last couple of months myself. With that, I that idea went out.

Some time later I had another college foray, taking some Interactive Television (ITV) courses through the University of Maine at Augusta (as opposed to the engineering college at Orono) for business classes. Having given up on getting any interesting Information Technology classes anywhere, I decided some business classes wouldn’t hurt. They did. All of my classes amounted to working out of text books. Having long ago learned to read a book and understand it on my own, I ran out of reasons to be there quickly.

So what exactly do I expect to garner this time around? Certainly not a diploma, at least this decade. Some theory I suppose. My practical skills and my thoughts about them in my industry are already leading edge. Some time ago I realized this when I went to the computer aisle in a book store and realized you couldn’t buy books about the software and technology I’m working with because we haven’t written them yet. We’ll start with some maths, ideally get some computer science classes in there to cover some prerequisites so if I do see something that really engages me down the road I won’t be screwed on account of that. I’ll try to stick to classes that are transferable to UW or directly applicable to something else I do. I’ve considered the meteorology courses for my flying, for instance. It’s sort of like the boy scout motto applied to school. I’m certainly crossing my fingers very hard in hope that I’m not going to be paying hundreds of dollars to be read to.

Which reminds me of a funny story at an unnamed private vocational school for computer certifications. I took a Microsoft SQL DBA (Database Administrator) (MCDBA) certification training course there because at the time the four tests for this certification had two that overlapped with the Microsoft Certified Systems Engineer (MSCE) certification I was aiming for to get someone to look twice at my resume and actually give me the opportunity to talk. Anyway, the instructor was terrible and read directly from the coursework. We weren’t really held to the material strictly though, so I made due. The funny part was that he ended up leaving, and I had just started working there. I was one of the few instructors that had a solid set of the recent certifications to match the classes I was teaching, and I got picked to teach the MCDBA classes. The argument was that it’s more important you know how to teach than know all of the material. It’s certainly essential you know how to teach well and moreso to engage the students. (I’m curious to see how my experience teaching affects my interest in classes now.) All the same, I always felt a little shifty about the teachers not always having the certifications, or on the job experience, with the technology they were teaching.

Before the event that caused me occured, it was hinted at. I was specifically asked if I was on board, yet without any direct statement of what ship I was joining. This felt like straight out of some business book, or “CYA for Dummies”. In response I said simply that they should do what they felt was right, and I would do what I felt was right. This wasn’t what they wanted to hear. I found some irony in this too because of another event.

A supplier once sent us twice the product we paid for by accident. When I asked what we were going to do about it, I got this lecture about how we were an honest company and expected to make the right decisions. Really, I wanted to know exactly what we were going to do; such as who to call, should I drive over there, etcetera. When folks get up on their soap box like that, I tend to let them have it. I don’t feel the need to justify myself to people acting that way. So I found amusement when shady actions were justified as being on board, having been lectured previously about doing the Right Thing.

In the end, I left the company after said event. It was an extremely difficult choice for me, but I stuck by it because I felt strongly that leaving was the right thing to do, for a number of reasons. I’m getting back to giving The Cathedral and the Bazaar a solid read. By design, it’s one of those books that puts to words things you may already have though, provided you are a part of the open source community. This has brought back a lot of memories of working for people that tried to direct what I did on a regular basis.

I’ve worked in technology almost all of my life. Definitely all of my life since high school. The time before then I often regard as a pre-cursor to life. I’ve never worked in fast food. My after school (and sometimes during school) jobs were in computer repair, then system administration (starting an ISP). Through Matthew, I’ve had a lot of experience in trades, solving unexpected problems daily in unexpected places in the world. I’ve put in a “hard days work” in both labor and tech in ways that I’ve found very few willing to (or capable of). When I employed a few friends doing electronics salvage, I remember one asking me how I was still lugging around piles of scrap cable after twelve hours of work without complaint. How do you explain to someone that you just do? He only lasted a week or two.

I don’t know how people get to feel so entitled. I suppose I could relate by thinking about how difficult it is for me to deal with emotional problems at times. However I’m pretty sure that my difficulties are that I try to, whereas most people don’t.

Reading the aforementioned book and thinking about places I’ve worked shows a pattern of success when working for people that give me a task and let me go; trusting me to come back if I have a question but otherwise get the work done the best I can discover on my own. Those who have ever tried to outline my day have only caused me undue stress, and my eventual departure.

When I told my father I was going to take some college courses, he asked me about how my certifications were going as I hadn’t talked about them for a while. They aren’t going. They got me a couple jobs here, and enough time has passed that I know enough people here that know how capable I am that I don’t doubt my ability to find other work if necessary. Ideally future jobs will be squarely open source, and I think the internet will be able to speak for me in short order. I’d still like an RHCE or a CCIE some day, but I touch Cisco equipment only out of occasional necessity or fun now, and I haven’t touched Redhat since 6.2, despite promising Scott Dodson I’d give it another look sometime. The power of being both a solid system and network administrator fits where I’m going now in a different way than it used to. The jack of all trades skill set sells “I can take care of everything if you let me do it” well, but it’s forming into a background that makes my design choices well founded as I almost subconsciously pick apart systems in search of flaws that aren’t stable or scalable.

Coffee is devoured, I should get to the office.

sundays

Slow and a bit sore today, it feels like Sunday. I’m making my best efforts to get something done, fifteen minutes at a time. I’ve been getting up early a lot. Priorities have been unexpectedly shifted, I’m happy about that, yet vulnerable to it at the same time. I must spend more time practicing keeping the worry down in the times when I feel like I’m on the outside looking in. The times when I stop going and find my mind is sort of a disaster are times where I’m particularly at risk for getting down and experiencing the family trait of worrying too much.

I replaced the electrical sub-panel yesterday. It’s a sub panel off an ancient fuse box where the design appears to have been one #12 wire for each fuse that then connects to other feeders in the walls. When we moved it, there were 30-40 amp fuses which I replaced first thing with 15 amp fuse breakers. The sub circuit panel held the W/D and W/H, but was pretty ancient. I couldn’t acquire fuses for it so I got another and installed it. Today I’m in the midst of pulling the garage off a fuse and putting it on a circuit breaker. This is all motivated by being pretty tired of the circuit breaker tripping when I run the air compressor in the garage. Hopefully this will be some of the last electrical work I’ll have to do here to feel both safe and find it functional.

It’s sort of a drizzly day though. I don’t know what to do with it. I eeked out seven hours of sleep, having gotten home finally at about 3am with Tori and Mom. Yesterday afternoon Wendell and I rode over to Skylark to wait for Hannah to get out of work at her part time job in West Seattle. Then we cruised up to Owl and Thistle for a happy reunion with friends and off to the Shark for Ken’s birthday party. Despite fears of dorkiness it turned out to be a classic shark party and much fun + booze was had. A few of us went to Hurricane to end the night, and I was pretty exhausted by that point.

I’d kind of rather cuddle up somewhere today. Short of that, I suppose I’ll get something done. If I’m lucky, this work will be enough to run the MIG welder in the garage.