Saw Up with Mom, Tori, her sister, brother in law, and nieces. Holy crap that was sweet. I’m totally a romantic. I’m not sure if it’s feeling depressed, or some other product of breaking up with L, but it’s probably worse (better?) than ever. Now I just need to find someone to share it with.

Working on bikes in the garage, talking to passer-bys about bikes in the alley. Got over to Bike So Good today too.

Still fighting that emotional glass ceiling.

D took me to see Icons Among Us at SIFF tonight. Her uncle directed/something/made it/chromatographed, with others. This was simply amazing. There’s a preview on youtube, but I don’t know it really captures it well. The documentary captures that music is about humanity and emotion, and that jazz is larger than using a genre as a label allows to be conveyed. I spent the entirety of the movie on the edge of my seat with tears in my eyes from being moved by the interviews. Granted this is likely due to how strongly I feel, but still.

I tried to repay her with a Blood Squad show. It was great to see them again, they’re always a riot. Fun night though. Dating continues to be weird. D asked me if I felt I was ready to date again. I said not really, but I have to keep trying to do what I think is right even if I don’t necessarily feel it.

It’s nice to get out, meet new people, do some new things. I still blame depression for the glass emotional ceiling. Or maybe L. Whatever. Not that it matters to her.

Woke up recently pretty bothered by L + the internet + the reminder that my feelings are met with indifference the other day which spawned a facebook status, to which D replied “… go get drunk and hit a strip club or something…” Fortunately the thread got reined back in with some caring people out there, including some love from Denny in regard to his love of dongs. Una provided a choice Orwell quote:

The essence of being human is that one does not seek perfection, than one is sometimes willing to commit sins for the sake of loyalty, that one does not push asceticism to the point where it makes friendly intercourse impossible, and that one is prepared in the end to be defeated and broken up by life, which is the inevitable price of fastening one’s love upon other human individuals.

Which serves to underline that I fear not becoming jaded because of L, I’m simply disappointed and hurt by her and finding ways to live with that. I commented in the previously mentioned thread that “The cost of not becoming jaded and thinking that I can replace feelings with strippers is that I sometimes have to live with a heavy heart that I can’t reason away by blaming others or myself.”

In discussions with Mom in the past about my heart she’s said that she’d rather live with too many feelings than too few. I like feeling, and being a caring human being. If anything I’d rather have more empathy towards others than less. I regularly spend time thinking about my actions and my feelings. I consider this essential to growth.

With a bit of spite, no, I disagree and say that the ends do not justify the means. My heart has faith in the human spirit, and in turn I have faith in my heart. This has to come first, always. My personal achievements do not compare to the lives that I touch.

D said it’s understandable that L would end a relationship if overwhelmed. I disagreed, but it is all a matter of priorities. I feel like ballast that was ejected in fear. Which makes sense I guess in respect to her history and fears. If you remove the cause of your guilt, you don’t have to feel guilty any more because it isn’t there to remind you.

I’ve been calling Mom a lot lately with nowhere left to turn. Combined with the bruised ribs and related soreness, anxiety built up again today. Hello there again. Dating felt weird. I talk about my first date with L for a while. Mom says that I’m still not over L, and everyone is going to be in her shadow until I am.

We talk about M, and how I finally came to hold M accountable for what she did to me, and leveraged that to move on. I have to acknowledge, against my stubborn and biased heart, the similarities between the situations. I’m very reluctant to believe someone with much heart and empathy can act so selfishly with so much disregard for what it will do to me. She’s right though. I’ve been here before. It’s my reckless trust that is so deeply ingrained in me, my love, that keeps blinding me to this reality. L specifically said that she was doing what was best for her, not for me, or for us. It doesn’t get any more clearly selfish than that. I should let myself hold her accountable for her hand in everything that’s happened.

Home. The trip was awesome, and would have been perfect if not for matters of the heart. Finally we made it back to Georgetown. We met back up and went to Squid for a bit of a return party. It was great to see most of my Georgetown friends at once and hang out as soon as we returned.

On the long drive back I was frustrated enough I called Mom just to have someone to say the same things to again, that they’ve already heard, that I’m tired of saying over and over again and feeling bad about. She brought up the lack of closure being a problem, and I’m brainstorming again how to produce that myself since I’m alone in this [because of L, not because I lack great friends].

At some point, when I’m feeling down enough again that I have to write it off, I’ll go back to my notes and relay all of that. It doesn’t matter at the moment. I have a few more days off and I’ll probably take them that way to run some errands and be around friends some more.

I won’t be riding tonight. I don’t want to see L if she doesn’t want to see me. That’s too much.

Photos are being batch converted from raw to jpeg now, and I’ll flip through them and get them on flickr. I picked up a Tamron 10-24 before the trip and had a lot of fun without. There’ll be some amazing photos in there so it’s worth the wait.

stayed at uncle mark’s cabin, pretty valley. took some time to relax. walked around the area and watched a movie.

got up late and drove out to Libby and checked out the Kootenai falls and the swinging bridge. Headed to Thompson falls for a cup of coffee with my great aunt and uncle, then over the pass for the long haul home.

Checking my email ever hour to see if L misses me yet paid off with an email warning she’s riding tomorrow. eight hours of driving straight missing her, fail. Talked to mom for a while about, gotta just keep doing what I’m doing.

At least I’m home drinking among Georgetown friends!

Helena was extremely quiet, so we walked out to the railroad crossover on the edge of downtown. A different route back got u a bit off course, but we made it back to the truck eventually. Spent the night camped out in an old fire tower.

Got up and back to the truck without trouble and headed north in search of a place to camp. Ended up in Glacier National Park, but most of the roads were still closed. We camped by the lake and drank in the woods instead of the city for a change.

Day five is starting in Kalispell, will likely head to Tori’s uncle’s cabin outside of town shortly and spend the rest of the day hanging out by the lake.

I got a lot of sleep, taking naps at the park. My chest still hurts a bit and I’m not sure why.

There’s a center for restorative justice here in town. Of course this reminds me of L. Making more conscious efforts to move on, but sad knowing I’m going to have to keep carrying this regardless. I worry about that, I guess you just have to own that.

Burned out from two packed days, but still got a lot in. We went to the Lewis and Clark caves in the morning. Of the caves I’ve been to, this was the most fun. Then north to the “ghost town” of Elkhorn, now wandering the streets of Helena, having a hard time finding much open tonight.

Camped in the back of a dump truck along the tracks last night. We’ll see how tonight goes.

The sleep deprivation made it hard to not think about L when driving. I took notes from my thoughts, but I don’t have the time for that now. Feeling hurt sucks. Thinking about breaking up with M and finally being willing to hold the things that she did that hurt me against her, I wonder if that will help with L. Her guilt about my feelings and the equality of our relationship isn’t anything she had the time to be distracted by, with a relationship and me being low on her list of priorities. That’s all very lame, and holding it against her may help me feel better. All the same, my brain and heart are at odds usualy.

Heart: I miss L
Brain: Yeah, she is an incredible person.
H: *cry*
B: Grow up wuss, go meet a new girl.
H: You’re not that tough yourself.
B: Shuttup.

On that note, I’m going to start dating again. It’s probably too early, but whatever.

Breakfast in town, Yellowstone for a bit, Big Sky turned out to be recently developed, (our guide was 8 years out of date), so we ended up in Belgrade.

After some bars and some hassle from the local cops for using a dumpster in a ‘closed’ park (10 feet from the road) (glad they didn’t realize I shit in that bag), we’ve set up camp in the back of a dump truck on the tracks. Hopefully we’ll wake up still here.

Finally arrived in Bozeman. Sitting at an abandonded rail terminal along the tracks drinking beer.

In an effort to not want someone I can’t have, I’m actively reminding myself that L chose to remove me from her life without any interest in keeping the good things I have to offer. This was shorter in my head. That is, I wasn’t valuable enough to try. Bullshit rationalization probably doesn’t really help, but I should probably let myself believe in it.

So moving on, using being left as a reason to move on, despite my feelings.

Talking to D, she really liked my comment about my heart disagreeing and “being all hearty”.

It smells like burned down buildings here. It’s a disturbing smell.

Getting ready to leave, check the oil in the truck, pull the hood release and it pulls right out. Great.

Cut a hole in the grille to get my hand in there. Fumble around and get the hood open. Replace cable with a foot long piece of bicycle brake cable that you can open from the front. And we’re on the road.