Bags full of propaganda upset me. Out late last night, tired today, sort of felt like I ran out of steam for dealing with the crowds. Took a short, only slightly fufilling nap. And, what now? Pass some time before dinner. Look at some more debian packaging, maybe some ubuntu virtualization bugs. Rant a little?

15:42 <@ipl31> man camping this weekend made me really want to buy some land out in the middle of nowhere
15:43 <@btm> ipl31: I want land in the middle of nowhere on which to build a cabin-shed on.

Yeah, that too. I think I really, really need to squeeze in some solid sleep.

I’ve pretty much accepted just keeping my mouth shut about my feelings for a long while is best for everyone, because every time I open my mouth I’m just indulging my bullshit.

In other news. San Jose has been fun. I’ve been biking a lot, particularly to Dennis’ office in Santa Clara. Met up with Tim and Dave and went to SF for dinner then Transformers 2 at the IMAX. Keep hanging out with Andy, which has been super interesting conversation, looking forward to more of it tomorrow. I’ve run into a bunch of other people I know from out of town and I’ve only been chilling around thus far. I hung out at Good Karma, had some sweet vegan fare, chatted about bikes with a local at the bar for a while. So as long as I stay downtown, I’m relatively happy with San Jose.

Lots of staring out into the woods on the train. I realized I’m pretty jealous deep down and don’t like that so I sort of ignore it. Oh, look, regrets, funny to see you there.

And the path? Face it, I guess. This is pretty big though, and I wonder how much I should be talking about it and how much I’ve really said too much about already. I tend to not shut the fuck up very well, which apparently is part of people’s problem with me.

Sometimes I have to roll the dice and decide if the number of projects I’m currently working on, but waiting on something, is too high to start another one rather than just wait.

A friend wrote me an awesome little thought,

A new lover asked me a few weeks or months ago, whether I’d ever been in love. I’m not sure. I guess I don’t really know which feelings being “in love” is meant to encompass. And do the feelings have to be mutual to be “in love with” ? Well I still don’t know, but I consulted wikipedia and came across “Limerence” which is kind of an interesting concept: “an involuntary cognitive and emotional state of intense romantic desire for another person,” involving, among other things, “acute longing for reciprocation, fear of rejection, and unsettling shyness in the limerent object’s presence.” It kinda sums up all sorts of emotions that probably everyone experiences but no one really acknowledges in such a straightforward way.

I’ve been thinking about all of this a bunch lately. Still struggling with the right ways to act, how to express myself, and what it all means to how I feel at the end of the day.

Thinking about my regular disclaimer about context on the ride into day and I got to thinking that I write a number of very black and white statements, but that I don’t necessarily think in that way. Further, it’s like these thoughts are a splotch of black added to my conscious thoughts than then gets averaged into what already exists forming a tide of gray opinion.

Such a long, sick day. Ended gloriously though. Felt better in Tacoma, Meg’s show rocked, good times with bike kids having dinner at a bar in Tacoma, then back to Seattle. Lots of little stories. Say Anthony on the hill, gave him a ride home, told us about seeing bike kids with antlers. Crazy british dude riding my tallbike in the alley and later in the parking lot across from 9lb. Ashok showed up at 9lb. I continue to love Georgetown. Tomorrow is my last day before everything changes. When I come back from San Jose, Tori and company will be gone, as well as Jarrod for a bit.

Odd conversation with the counselor today because I was in another place. Life is funny, how it works out is bizarre. There comes a time when I stop trying to make sense and get in the back seat. Succesfully didn’t build anything today!

Funny conversation with Eric where he ran into a libvirt bug in Ubuntu that I fixed a couple of days ago but hadn’t applied to our systems yet. Plumblers homes always have the worst plumbing.

Today begins the exercise of writing emails that won’t be sent. I’m shifting back and forth between here and there, feeling for the right home for each thought. The more I think about it, the more the words seems worthless.

If you love something, set it free; if it comes back, it’s yours. If it doesn’t, it never was.

“You look sad”

Yeah, well, it is sad that this is our choice, that this is what we want. This really isn’t anything. And that’s sad too, because I want to build something.

What an unexpected turn of events going out to the bar alone on a Monday night can bring in a neighborhood like Georgetown. Bike advocacy projects need more attention I think. First though, gotta finish the rack. Camaraderie sometimes still has it’s heart in the right place.

“To a cyclist,” he writes, “a [P]rius is just a small [H]ummer.”

Can’t we all fucking get over ourselves already? Not to jump to a conclusion, maybe it’s a joke. In short, I find it analgous to the lack of understanding the connection between racism and prejudice, whereas racism is culturally unacceptable but prejudice is still rampant.

Without a strong culture to affix oneself to, many seem to lose their sense of identity and with it their self-worth. “I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member” comes to mind. Short of taking the time and putting in the effort to figure out who we are, we rely on our culture to define us. Which then leads us to having to defend said culture, trading standing up for beliefs that aren’t our own for a sense of belonging, camaraderie, bro-dom.

Can who am I stand alone?

I think of the smiles on their face when they can’t help but show excitement, being so comfortable around me. What causes that excitement? What is important? Unknown adventure? Feeling of belonging? Being appreciated? Having created? Priorities are especially interesting because I’ve averaged being ahead of the curve. I say averaged though, because I broke off the well worn path many years ago.

Which is all to say perhaps that what I want today is rather simple, but appears to require an incredible amount of maturity to be able to be in close proximity to. While what I want tomorrow follows no accepted social trends.

Struggling to stay away, too exhausted to do much of anything. Lying in bed snuggling a pillow. Busy weekend, with a shed and a work bench coming out of it.. Not to mention parties, unpacking, etc.

As previously mentioned, I’ve squeezed in some not acting in regard to how you feel time. Which is, well, ultimately sad. But I guess, possibly how life has to be these days. It’s a lonely feeling. Bitten tongues lay at rest.

Got to spend some time today talking about identity, which is starting to ignite some new ideas in my mind about where my place is and why I don’t seem to quite fit right most of the time. Evangelion porcupine effect? Probably not, but the implication is a bit sad.