Please show up at my door in the rain unexpectedly because you missed me that much and wanted to simply be near me. Just once. It’d mean a lot to me.

Finally tracked down a couple of friends to see 500 days of Summer tonight. I didn’t want to go alone or with a stranger to see, as Hannah confirmed, “a Bryan movie.” Why is it that I’m totally unashamed of my big heart until it becomes a burden? General confidence issue, specific confidence issue, or hurt surrounding what is promised to not be a burden, abruptly is?

This is a story of boy meets girl. But you should know up front, this is not a love story.

Rad conversation about relationships online tonight after the movie. Got thinking a bunch about how resilient I am over the long term, but still vulnerable to being hurt interim. That’s probably the right place to be. Movie still has a relatively happy ending that puts the moral in giant bold letters across the screen. That’s alright.

You weren’t wrong, Tom. You were just wrong about me.

Yeah. Maybe you’re right. It’s still kinda sad.

I want to exclaim that I’m awfully fucking tired of being mistreated. That’s not fair on a couple levels. It’s an exaggeration to start. I’ve dated some good people. How to say this impartially? I suppose it’s mostly looking back at being wronged and feeling upset about it. The emotion is a bit overwhelming. I guess the memories that hurt the most are the ones where I put a lot of effort in drawing a line and communicating clearly (jesus, thinking about this conversation makes it clear that it has gotten better over the years) that I’m crossing it solely on a basis of trust, then having that trust violated.

And some other stuff. Sleep.

I’m exhausted. I shouldn’t be here. I even have the truck, because today was ‘world catches on fire’ day. I’m too tired to even maintain a reliable level of vaguery, so I’ll try to avoid saying too many personal things.

Lets see. Rollerderby was fucking awesome and shall become some sort of regular entertainment, I’m sure. Bike Sabbath was also wonderful, it’s nice having a group to ride bikes with again. Props to Monica for being awesome and fun and all of that. I’ve been working a lot; purse strings are still made out of red tape. Sigh. I bet I could build the hardware I need out of Linux boxes faster than I can get hardware procured. Anyone have a chef recipe for a linux based air conditioning unit? I won’t be going to Portland this week, speaking of that. Shit. I have that meeting in the morning. Fail. Secret bike stuff seems to be coming together. I’ve told a few people what I think lately and they’ve dissappeared. Oh well. No time from grumblers.

Oh, this was awesome: “you sound possibly just as energetic, unashamed, and goofy as the kids i work (really play) with everyday”. Yay! *dance*

Yeah. Somehow, I’ve become totally impressed with the people that try that I had let slip while I paid attention to the people that don’t bother to. Wow, I kind of feel like a dick for that. Oh well, it seemed a better idea at the time.

(inspired by Tori’s DNB)

I’m an incredibly understanding person and will go out of my way to support you in all that you do.

Please don’t make assumptions about my thoughts and be mean to me or defensive without talking to me about them.

“I know you really liked her”

“I never thought she was good enough for you anyway”

“people aren’t used to other people being nice to them, or healthy. or interested in aiding them with what ails them, and that makes me incredibly sad”

Foreshadowing is funny.

Can’t get back to sleep. 4am breakfast at Randys. Hot coffee, good food, great character. Tiny dancer comes on the radio.

I grin.

Maybe we’re looking for different things

*withholds snarky comments*

Did’ja know, that I can pretty accurately summarize what I’m looking for as: to be loved.

Really, I’ve thought about this an absurd amount. There’s the usual compatibility bits, heading in the same direction, and the sorts. Outside of that, it’s pretty simple. That’s sort of funny, and not okay, at the same time.

Too tired to do much productive tonight. Thought about finding folks to be social with, but we have overnight company at the house so I figure I’ll just stick around here, watch a movie, and fall asleep.

I’ve been overthinking a couple things this week. Was nice to finally draw a line in the sand and say where I had gotten too. Who knows if they’ll be taken positively, but ‘dem the breaks. Those that don’t react reasonable overshadow those that do in my life. Maybe I’m just feeling negative because of the traffic officer yelling at me to do something stupid on the ride home tonight.

Amidst the whole beardo adventure a friend commented that anyone who’d actually met me would know how nice I am. I think she didn’t realize I thought it was funny and wasn’t bothered by it at the time. I can’t get to the logs easily right now, I’m too tired. It doesn’t really matter, chronologically. Regardless if she said it in that way or not, it’s true.

I think back to this really stupid argument about being selffull. In my world, putting yourself first is almost always a defense mechanism to avoid dealing with something difficult. Whatever, it’s water under the bridge, and that short yet emotional part of my life is behind me.

There’s something to take from all of this weeks conversation. When someone I have a relationship with is mean and is uninterested in taking responsiblity for the consequences of their actions, I need to walk away. This is really difficult for me, because my heart is open and vulnerable at that time. I care, and I want to be there for them. It has however, rarely, if ever, worked out without my getting really hurt.

In any case, I don’t hold any of this against anyone, or myself. I’m no good at that. It’s all bygones.

I talked to her on IM last night, just to see how she was doing. It’s been quite a while. Year, two? Who knows. Doesn’t sound like she’s changed. It’s important though, another reminder of everything that’s been put behind me, how much I’ve changed since then. She once told me she was afraid I’d date someone who thought I was awesome and that I wouldn’t grow because I’d take that as satisfactory affirmation of who I am being good enough. I laugh at that conversation in retrospect, so self-centered and immature. More selffull patterns. She brought up it being good that I’m not in Ellsworth. I think she still wants to take credit for all my accomplishments.

The friends I have continue to be awesome, supportive, and admirable.

There’s still lingering hurt here and there. To be expected, I’ll still dissappointed in her. So it is best it is over and behind me. It’s hard to come to a point where I can say that.

I’m a tinkerer who enjoys being open minded but laughing about it all the same. I wear my heart on my sleeve and thus I think, talk and write about feelings a lot. I bike, drink, weld, hike, fix, wander, camp, adventure, canoe, create, etc. I am useful, reliable, emotive, responsible, confident and caring. I’m pretty goofy and silly at times, even when being serious is appropriate there is a part of me that remains light-hearted. I’ve been accused by past coworkers of “an ability to make everyone feel comfortable in tense situations.”

Do you identify with what you do, or who you think you are?

Realized today I’d been working on debian packaging for chef since January and thought back to all that’s happened since.  Eight months does not seem that long at all when I consider how much my life has changed since then. Why is every couple of months such a dramatic departure from the last for me? Some events are of course out of my control: breakups, acquisitions, etc. But even in those, how I choose to deal with them is never lying down. Every attempt is made to grow from these situations, even if that which caused them, simply isn’t.

I spent an hour telling the back stories of the power struggles and lack of commitment today. Patterns that I knew were there, that I have scratched in with pencil, were outlined in pen today. Dating the emotionally unavailable has happened more than once. A connection to those who take their independance so deeply to their core identity they stubbornly refuse to let it be held. More that I don’t have time to write about right now.

Of course my share of trials and their lessons work into these thoughts. Being too amiable has been mutated by ponderings of limerance, but accepted that it’s not actually wrong of me, I must be careful to not have it taken advantage of. I look at starheadboy’s checklists over my desk, “I love myself and what I do”, and remember that I identify as easy-going and I’m proud of making the effort to make the life easier of those I care about. Sometimes those people simply don’t want comfort that they don’t have to fight for and ‘earn’, unwilling to accept good things.

Also,

Tori Brewster listed you as her brother on Facebook.

Awww!