From facebook: Bryan McLellan This makes me feel sad, old-fashioned and aggregating: http://www.nytimes.com/2009/11/03/opinion/03brooks.html?_r=1&hp

As the journalist Wesley Yang notes in a very intelligent analysis in the magazine, the diarists “use their cellphones to disaggregate, slice up, and repackage their emotional and physical needs, servicing each with a different partner, and hoping to come out ahead.”

I’ve been thinking a lot about people using ________ “to disaggregate, slice up, and repackage their emotional and physical needs.” _ says, “Man. I’m glad you’re doing a lot of introspection, because I sense that I need to do more.” Maybe, I just can’t help it? Hard to say. This kicking the coffee drip thing is hurting my head though.

Sleep? I think I need to make another effort to return to a only couple cups of coffee a day, and in the morning. This is why we don’t do drugs kids, they’re habit forming. T told me something about _ that made me respond with “All the same, the thought of that connection makes me want to die.” physically tired but I was emotionally defeated. I had a nightmare about wandering all over a large apartment with multiple roommates avoiding _, only to still be hurt by her being with another, and then being tormented by being unable to find the layers I had shed everywhere so I could leave. I wouldn’t say I’m feeling more defeated than I was an hour ago. I think I’m behind on honest rest being out late the last couple nights with J. But I feel incredibly sad.

Somewhere I found a recent Op-ed piece, Cellphones, Texts and Lovers, which lead to A Critical (But Highly Sympathetic) Reading of New Yorkers’ Sexual Habits and Anxieties. The second is longer an better, I think the first was catalyzed by it. I could quote all of these articles, and so many parts reminded me of people, some of whom I sent it to directly to read. I don’t have it in me to go through and read it again right now. I could quote huge swaths, but I’ll just give you the part that hit deep and reminded me of _.

they all agree on how you lose: by betraying a level of emotional enthusiasm unmatched by the other party

Currently listening to: Whiskeytown – Don’t Wanna Know Why

I appear to have not posted my last entry, and then deleted the draft while cleaning up from multiple open sessions. Lame. T commented on the _ making my last post difficult to read but then interesting. K though I should consider cutting back on the whole girls thing.

Lets assume falling in love is a good thing, by any other name is still love, would bring us happiness. Further, assume fear is meant to protect us from being hurt, abandoned, left unloved. The general course appears to be meeting someone I like, cautiously expressing these feelings against what feels like better judgment but is mostly fear, to see if they have similar feelings and if they are interested in dating at all. On the latter point, the benefit of online dating is people are much more up front about what they’re looking for, you’ve got to figure out by feel or conversation if you want a similar relationship now, and down the road. I’ve got that pretty well down, it just has mostly been my luck that lately there hasn’t been a desire for a relationship that I desire or to reciprocate my feelings. I only have strong feelings for a single person at a time, although when there isn’t an intimate relationship in my life my feelings of longing are much stronger and I miss people more.

Which comes back to the reminder that 100% of your previous romantic relationships have ended, for whatever reason. Not necessarily failed, some are still great relationships, just not romantic ones. I’m worn out. I’m let down. The bliss of chatting with a cute girl also reminds me that I don’t have it in me right now to keep being disappointed. I have no victimizing misconceptions like feeling that it isn’t fair, that I’m being mistreated, I’m not _____ enough. It is just that the people I keep falling in love with aren’t interested in a long term relationship with me, and that’s fair, provided they’re honest, can communicate and don’t make decisions for me. That’s not fair. It seems incredibly difficult finding mature individuals living meaningfully with compassion and intent who are also aligned with dropping out of society in some form or another and similar alternative lifestyles. I digress.

If we’re pushing these boundaries of fear when we’re starting a new relationship, how do we handle them with existing relationships that have gone too far and are being recalled? It seems like feelings are key. If you don’t have the desire for more with someone, it’s easy enough to have a relationship that resembles a friendship. For someone like me, I’m feeling, and I’m wanting to express those feelings. I want to be more open, closer, intimate. Thus far all I’ve been able to do is avoid the situations that would make me feel; stop talking, stop hanging out, try to avoid situations that make me think about them.

I’ve been sinking a lot of time into ARC volunteering lately. Time that would have been social has been replaced by this. I’m still just as busy, and it is further convincing evidence to myself that I’ll always been this busy, but I feel it is more meaningful. There’s also much less of a chance for me to be let down, hurt, disappointed. When you can’t move on, you have to find distraction and just keep busy.

Sometimes I wonder if people who believe you can move on realize that it is only because it wasn’t what they wanted. When it is what you wanted, you don’t move on, time just passes.

Currently listening to: Johnny Cash – Bridge Over Troubled Water

This is pretty absurd.

_ asked me where my feelings for _ would go if I had a relationship with _ and I told her that having my feelings reciprocated is what is most important. I never bought into the myth of romantic destiny. Lists of desires are funny things. I sat on the couch while waiting for _ and picked up After the Honeymoon: How Conflict Can Improve Your Relationship from the shelf. The stereotypes in it got me thinking about how I don’t fight. The closest memories I have are of dating people who got emotional and took it out on me, typically being mean to me and blaming me for how they felt. The main topic of today if there’s any way for me to cope with my feelings for another outside of avoiding them. I don’t know. I just know it was sad. I miss _ when I see her or think about her. _ was talking about still seeing _ everywhere for years and I can relate. Nobody believes me when I tell them that those feelings don’t go away for me in the long run. When I’m in a position where I can at least tell myself I’m special to someone, they don’t matter, but when I’m not, back they come. It isn’t just being lonely, maybe it is just opening my heart far too wide. _ said, “you have to get over her, you don’t know the half of it.” but I told her I didn’t want to know the half of it. It won’t make my feelings go away, it will just hurt. What did I just say?

Currently listening to: Drive-by Truckers – The Purgatory Line

Met up with A for drinks last night after not running into each other for two years. Oh hey. I’ve followed her LJ in the interim. She’s always up to something awesome and I’m a fan of how she lives and moves.

Some OSS drama ensues. A asked “As in drama that’s being modified by everyone around, or drama-filled open source?” I told her the latter, but the more I think about it, the more interesting the question is.

I’ve been thinking about the drama resulting from my own emotions. I feel like while I’ve accepted that I’m emotionfull, it hasn’t settled right. Like I need to move it a little to the left. Also, A sent me dropout and my recent pick up of Hackers and Painters has started a little conversation of “Uncle Paul’s” essays.

Currently listening to: Whiskeytown – Crazy About You

One thing I remember from watching A Beautiful Mind was the impression that smart people are always walking the edge of crazy. I feel crazy often.

Okay. It’s the first of a new month. Three weeks ago on a Monday I said “Okay heart, fuck you, this week is going to belong to me.” Let’s see if I can make another run at that, since I failed pretty miserably at not falling in love with anyone in October. Interestingly, I have some past and present fronts presenting that I should totally keep my feelings to myself because they really don’t do those people any good, and other people present in my life still maintaining that I should be totally open with them and that they value the opportunity to keep that space for me. Which is totally admirable, considering, but I’m having a really hard time sifting through my emotions deciding if, in the long run, I’ll have a relationship with the desire and emotional fortitude to reciprocate my openness, or if I should learn to live with that not being a possibility.

Or maybe I’ll just cook some wealth, and forget all the girls that made me happy for a while.

My third MFG race was disappointing, as I mentioned earlier. The results are in, and while I didn’t finish, I was the first to not finish, which put me 24 of 43. Compared to 35 of 50 and 33 of 39, that feels like an improvement. I dropped a chain again too. I did finally find a a Rohloff, but it doesn’t fit my clearances. Chain guards appear all to require a further step down in chainring, which wouldn’t be terrible, but I’m almost wondering now if it’d be simpler to just run a double with no derauiller and stick to the lower chainring, using the larger one as the guard. Granted, it wouldn’t look cool at all, but hey, I’m riding a 1985 Schwinn anyway. Go team oldschool beardo. Always nice seeing friends from other scenes in new ones too.

Currently listening to: The air cleaner at Mom’s house

At some point I had disabled new user registration and had forgotten about it. Someone asked me about this recently and I’ve re-enabled it. Those of you new to my journal are encouraged to create accounts and comment when something strikes you and you desire to add to the discussion. You may notice I try to avoid talking about anyone in specific here, if you can’t manage that game you’re welcome to email me directly with your thoughts.

I woke up early enough yesterday to make the MFG CX race, desipte having been up until two or three reading, writing and talking about life, the universe, and everything. I’m glad I got up and went, although I was dissappointed by having to stop a lap short of finishing due to being lapped at the very end, despite not feeling like I was all that far back. I know the leader was quite a bit ahead of the 2nd place racer. I wouldn’t call it sandbagging per se, but the ‘beginner’ category is definitely too broad.

I still felt sad about Friday, and not feeling social enough for the Messquerade, or the halloween party at the Awful Shark, I left town and came down here to Eatonville. I brough the CX bike and did some downhill at Pack Forest, which I’ve meant to do all summer but didn’t get to. I got close one weekend with a friend but he bailed the night before. Which is a funny memory of running into her on a DBB ride. Shit always seems to come in piles for me.

I’ve continued thinking about my emotional trajectory, spurred by events as of late. The implication that there wasn’t any point in talking because I was emotional is… offensive? insulting?… lame, and a self-serving charade for not wanting to feel. Later when I saw her she made a comment about how I seemed better, in relation to being emotional. I was better in regard to being less sad, but I had moved on from considering her a meaningful person in my life, worthy of sharing my feelings with. Which is interesting, because I feel like she somehow expected to be able to get one without the other. I’ve written about this twice (1, 2) since and it feels right.

There’s an email in my inbox since yesterday that I haven’t opened. I’m too letdown to deal with it right now.