So I dealt with missing work Wednesday for Habitat by working 24 hours on Thursday. And I’ll still behind. Fun. Maybe I’ll work some this weekend. I caught up on sleep this morning and I need to eat, but I’m to put a little time into the introspection first.

All talk with J continues to be about relationships. Do we sense a trend? I’ve been thinking for a bit about how December has been stable, and how continuing to articulate those feelings contributes to that. The more I think about one relationship being only a different set of problems than another, the more I’m inclined to trust my feelings and stick to those guns. However, I have this feeling that it isn’t sustainable, but it ultimately comes from a place where I’m considering problems that haven’t happened yet, and ultimately wouldn’t for some time.

Back before I dated M but had feelings for her, I felt like they needed to be kept hidden lest I date someone who would feel jealous of them. Ironic. Now I worry about when I’ll stop having such strong feelings for M, despite never seeing her. Probably a year. What to do until then? There’s no outlet for that really, I’ve tried a lot. Instead, I keep moving along. It’s all stable, but I’m still concerned about something in the back of my mind.

Some day I’ll learn that drinking coffee when you’re tired, but you expect to go to sleep soon, is a bad idea. It always results in me passing out, then waking up fifteen to sixty minutes later wide awake. Yeah, I know that’s a trick and all, but I wanted to sleep more.

I just realized I’m squeezing in: a really busy week of work, a half day online conference, a day off to be spent working at Habitat again, probably two bike rides including a night of karaoke at Squid, and one dinner with a friend in exchange for bike mechanic-ry. So Far. Is it Monday yet?

This past week feels epic in the “how did it all fit?” department. Maybe its because I’m back in old drinkey habits. Sort of. That’s just my excuse for Saturday morning’s post. Friday brought getting hit by a car, and two crashes on ice. No bike damage, but I’ve got scrapes and bruises up both sides and a smashed pager to show for it. The bianchi volpe xtracycle definitely has too much frame flex for icy conditions.

Saturday brought a .83 calendar photo shoot and with it the most provocative photo of me on the internet to date. Good times.You can currently preorder a Men of Point83 calendar. There’s a few camera phone photos and whatnot floating around the internet, mostly on facebook. I expect we won’t see the bulk of what was taken until after the calendar ships so people will buy it.

I had a really good conversation with A later Saturday night and feel relieved and comfortable with the result. She asked me where I learned to communicate, which was an interesting question that has stuck with me. I can’t help but think about M’s inability to communicate with me and running away. I wonder how many [more] years it will be until that doesn’t bug me any longer. Until that really feels like water under the bridge, instead of only feeling like it should be. Ever?

Today, aka Sunday, was about 50 miles of chilly biking with Bike Sabbath from Fremont out to Vashon and back.

This past week? Shit. I forget? A bike ride or two, hanging out with A. Oh, we’re looking for a roommate for January, as Chris is moving out.

Saturday questions… I made a comment on fb recently that riding bikes is like urban hiking. I like being outdoors and being active. Riding bikes lets you see parts of the city cheaply, and actively, which makes it easy. They interesting, beautiful, simple, inexpensive beasts. I think my problem with 3am is just that it doesn’t feel like a productive time, because its right after last call so I’m often drunk, or just too tired to get anything real done. Girls, well, that I know. I want to connect. I think I’m just whining through the rest of that, playing the victim and pretending that I have it harder than I do. Fucking Lame.

Boys who don’t shampoo their hair was one of many topics of conversation today. I was told my hair looks something like “a mangy dog… a cute mangy dog.” I’m pretty sure they were trying to be nice.

I guess what’s important is that everything feels good right now, except that I don’t have enough time to go around. There are definitely worse problems to have.

why can’t I go out without finding a bike ride?

Why does 3am always feel guilty about having to work in the morning?

why do I keep doing this thing with girls?

why do the people I’m most obsessive about mean the least to my closest friends?

why do I keep liking crappy people who can’t reciprocate?

do I want good people who can reciprocate?

It feels like ages since my last post. I should start considering that a warning sign to take a day off life.

I feel like the older I get, the more compelled I am to be in a relationship, and the less I feel like it is a good idea. Perhaps the drama has been too high.. lately? Or has it always been? My cynicism still lends to the statistic reality of most relationships failing. I’m a little unhappy with admitting internal pressures are such a significant force. I think we all like to believe they aren’t, even if they always are. Like if you drill down to happiness, or feeling good about yourself, egoboo, always being at the core of every one of our actions.

I think I just need to be more honest with people about all of this, and not worry so much about the fear of disappointing others.

J and I spent some time talking about cultural, social and parental pressures to meet certain markers of success by particular times in your life today. After I finished laying out my conclusions as to why these are unlikely to apply to me, she offered that biological pressures were probably driving me. Shit.

ISO charismatic thoughtful alternative passionate partner with a reliable hoodie seeking active adventure and to build a life in shipping containers together.