I’ve written about madness; about existential angst, breakfast of champions, a beautiful mind, the house episode about genius and the robotussin cure. Nearly all problems in life are life itself. But if you can’t connect with other people, if the smell of spring isn’t something you can share with each other, what binds you and others? Love?

I fear that the majority of my relationships are the combination of my compassion, physical attraction, and enough personality correlation to like each other. The implication that the madness that exists between this and my emotions is something I have to treat as a disability is traumatizing in itself. Today was long, and it took a lot to keep my feelings away from those who don’t want to know them.

When I think about the three types of knowledge, I think about my indifference to get worked up by things I can’t really change, that I feel like I’m suppose to be upset about. But then there’s those things that do evoke feeling, like M, that I wonder if I’ll ever find a place to set down. As I step back and question my own mental and emotional sanity, I can’t help but feel alone, sad, and disappointed in others.

When you can’t sit still any longer, and feel like change is needed; how much of it is the distraction of something new overtaking dealing with the present?

M’s inability to cope with her emotions evoked by the presence of mine continues to be at the forefront of my thoughts. J and I seem to agree that she doesn’t have the tools needed because she refuses to prioritize her feelings, likely out of fear. And yet, no logic or explanation I can garner changes how I feel. Under the circumstances, I very much wish it would.

I had lunch with Adam the other day and I mentioned the fear of compromising who I am for a relationship. He stated that nobody I’ve dated would outwardly want me to do that for them. Not that he has known most of the people I have dated, but as a rule. That calls into further question what exactly I aim to garner from a relationship. Lately I have been more convinced it is to be challenged as a human that has been missing, and I’ve spoken a lot about ‘peers’ accordingly. Maybe I need to make that fully my own responsibility and find comfort in a more pure companionship setting. Which is to say, establish a companion as less as a motivator and more as a cohort. Does this come back to ‘pals’? That’s just confusing.

I used to complain that I had simple desires that were so hard to fulfill. Now I see them as not so simple, but still maintain that I am not asking for very much. Still, so few I meet seem to have the experience to leverage to grasp so much. J comments often about how I’ve put more energy into this than those in my age group. Does that make dating anyone my age or younger a fundamental mistake? That would be prejudice, but I wonder about the implications.

I feel like the second paragraph of my last post needs a complete rewrite.

Historically, I haven’t been in a hurry to define ‘what’ a relationship is. There have been times when something has felt wrong, where more is at play than has been communicated. I don’t think B know how to communicate what she felt. Her actions seemed to usually preface her thoughts and when called on this she would back away. In retrospect, M is probably similar, but for some different reasons.

There’s something to recognize in that feeling the something is unsaid. Perhaps because it took me by surprise with M? Because that was so ‘I do not know what this is, but I am out’? I may have learned to be more aware of the unspoken.

A part of me still believes there is no comparison. I’m simultaneously refining what I want into something that appears to have no long term resolution, while coming to terms with that and further accepting how much I’m on my own and can’t count on finding an adequate companion to my life.

Some days I really feel like the rest of the world knows something I don’t. Damn robots.

Feelings with B were a two sided coin. Either wanting to embrace them (but too fearful to) or keeping her distance in a way that exemplified that they weren’t worthwhile. Even now, when I expressed concern for her feelings she told me I wasn’t responsible for her feelings, and yet unconsciously expressed how much I actually did. It wasn’t fair at all, and some friends immediately told me not to feel guilty or responsible when I retold the story. I don’t though. I can’t recall feeling like I’ve unfairly hurt anyone in quite some time. I always try very hard in relationships.

As I gave a nod to in my last post, I feel like JR is the most emotionally intact person I’ve dated in a while. Available may also be synonymous, I’m not sure. I just feel like chasms in the road were hit where no amount of communication and patience on my part were going to bridge the gap.

I was talking to J, trying to describe how I got along with M and the best I could describe was that I felt we were ‘pals’ and that I wouldn’t be sacrificing parts of myself to be together. I don’t know if I’ve felt that way before, nor exactly what it’s makings were.

July is going to be interesting.