Finally found a useful job for transparent windows: writing while watching the daily show in the background on a small laptop screen.
A less than ideal day. My phone spent the night running out of battery power and rebooting. Over and over because it was plugged into a charger. The battery is finally dying. The AT&T store in Seattle apparently doesn’t stock batteries for my AT&T Tilt. Which is kind of funny, and totally lame. I’m feeling more and more like buying a G1.
Getting home and back on the internet I was greeted by an email from Jetblue announcing that my flight tonight was cancelled. Last night’s was as well, and the news is that thousands have been stranded at Seatac during our fun little storm here. Flights were filled up until the end of the week, and those were filling up by the hour. I gave up and rescheduled for a week in January.
This sparked a couple hours on the phone with my family talking about my dad and his state. It’s summed up by telling mom I was sad thinking about dad slowly dying. Between his emotional problems and his health problems, which feed off each other, it’s a solid downward slope. With the last couple of months feeling like I had a number of human problems to spend time thinking about, it was disheartening to add this to the pile of issues I’m not spending enough time considering.
I feel like I’ve caught the short end of the stick when it comes to what I’m made up with in regards to relationships. I’m thinking that compromise is too deeply ingrained in my personality. My first two relationships weren’t until I was in my late teens and were both long ones. Although different, both had issues where I felt hurt but wasn’t able to resolve that. Some part due to inexperience, but certainly some part due to feeling that I could fix everything by sucking it up and moving along. Which only resulted in a rotting feeling inside me until the end.
I don’t seem to know what I want from a relationship. I have pretty good ideas about what I like about people though. At times I feel like I’m feeding some sort of chemical, primarily trying to counteract feeling lonely or horny. Which would be unfortunate, but on some level, I suppose that’s all we’re ever doing. Even if we’re doing something noble or selfless, it’s really because we feel it’s the right thing to do, right? This makes me not want to be in a relationship, so I’ve sort of put a moratorium on them. I’m still open to dating, but have drawn a line in front of having a girlfriend again for bit.
It’s interesting that I’ve always been of the mentality that when I was dating someone, it was generally exclusive, and I jumped quickly from that into a relationship. Many people have looked at me funny about that, but I’ve done it because it felt right. And honestly, I did think about it but didn’t see any reason to go any other route. Now I feel like there’s a reason, but I’m not sure exactly what it looks like. Or, what it will look like at the time, but I feel like it’s more a fear of where I will end up if I don’t account for it.
I’m not the one you want, babe,
I’m not the one you need.
You say you’re lookin’ for someone
Never weak but always strong,
To protect you an’ defend you
Whether you are right or wrong,
It ain’t me, babe. I was once accused of having a type. To some degree, sure. I only like girls I think are nice, I have an idea of what I think is cute, and a distaste for high maintenance. But who they were? They were all very different people. It seems like I need to find some way to learn to harness my feelings better, both to not fall in love with girls I like, and not want to sleep with those I find attractive. Both laudable, yet nigh impossible goals. I suppose the trick is all in the actions because we’re bound to feel the ways we do, and entitled to, but what matters is what we do about it.
I’m pretty sure I need a walkabout, and it’s upsetting that I’ve got this pile of medical bills and miscellaneous debt about to deal with first.
I’ve related figuring out that there’s no such thing as “the right girl” to losing your religion. It’s a strenously large pile of responsibility to shoulder all at once, and brings a frustrating little sidekick who is intent on killing and romantic notions by convincing you that it’s not about who you want to spend the rest of your life with but who you think you could spend the rest of your life with.
Which maybe is why when people get older they seem to have less relationships? Maybe there’s just that much more disenfranchisement with age.
One of the things that I talk[ed last night] about is taking a shine to OKCupid profiles that show some level of unique personality. That’s there is someone in there that likes what they like because they enjoy it, not because liking it gets them friends. That is, liking indie rock makes them fit in with people and gives them something to talk about that makes them feel special, and if not for that, they’d be lost. I think one of the things that people like about me is that I have strong personality. I’m often saddened by how rarely someone calls me up and says, let’s go do this. Especially girls. I’ve felt this way nearly as long as I can remember, so I suppose I’m accustomed to it somewhat. Or rather, I think I expect it. I seem to have a habit of dating quiet girls, because I dislike loud and obnoxious people usually. I wonder if I feel like I’m missing strong but not arrogant girls, on a level that I can feel but not pinpoint? Like I was saying before, where I’m naturally compromising, yet knowing something isn’t right, but I’m not confident enough to say it.
And is that something that I’d feel better about if I just said it, even if it wasn’t true?
OkCupid Recommends: btmspox. He is also interested in apatheism!
Thanks. Does he? Maybe I should talk to this character, perhaps he’ll have some insight for me. Part of me wishes I could find some direction in other peoples writings, but I know that my problems are my own. Although finding a good bit to read my help get me thinking in the right directions.
Existentialism is a term that has been applied to the work of a group of 19th and 20th century philosophers who, despite doctrinal differences, shared the belief that philosophical thinking begins with the human subject – not merely the thinking subject, but the acting, feeling, living human individual.
I seem to know what’s reasonable from a relationship, but not what I want to get out of one. I’m caught in some kind of survival mode too often by default. These are human problems, and require human interaction to move forward. It’s not an academic problem, so it’s not one that I should try to resolve by removing myself from people. But there’s a matter of attacking it in small enough doses that I’m not overwhelmed with feeling responsible for hurting other people.
While I acknowledge that these are my problems, I’m not confident that they aren’t also situational. That is that my type isn’t luring me into this place in a playing the victim sort of manner.
At the moment, I’m feeling tired with being unchallenged by people. I don’t yearn for the memories of being told there was something wrong with me that I had to fix, but I feel like a certain amount of understanding that’s leveled against me is too accommodating.
Very few people seem to ask me how I feel, none of them ask why.