I was up most of the night last night working on a side project related to Chef. I woke up late, but spun up and got to work only a few minutes late in the end. While I wasn’t passing out from lack of sleep per se, I could tell I was tired. Why wasn’t I exhausted like one is from staying out to last call at a bar? Could it be doing shit that I love all night instead? Having figuratively seen the world, part of me wants only to stay up all night solving problems again.

Today was rather hectic, with a lunch meeting with a coworker, then running off to meet K for coffee before therapy. I’ve really enjoyed the couple of times we’ve had coffee and it’s reminding me the importance of that happening regularly. We talked for a while about approval in a way that made a lot of sense in regard to M which further solidifies my confidence and happiness in my current relationship status. K mentioned multiple times measuring the change in herself over years, so I of course when into my bit about life redeveloping biannually.

So here I am, awake again, back on the P, playing the olides and spinning up for another night.

ten days?

I bought a BMW motorcycle. I repaired the XT and rebuilt the carb. Good friends are in town staying here, and that’s been awesome. J and I talked extensively about relationships, and things are awesome with K. On a related note, I’m done with M. *sigh*

I went for the first ride past the block on the XT tonight, and ended up at a party on capitol hill with a bunch of tech kids because today and tomorrow are Bluehat. Shit, I forgot about all of that. I love techies.

G and I went for a spin on the BMW between meals tonight. More.

It made me happy to spend time with M. While I expect that, I suppose part of me was hoping it wouldn’t. Whatever, I guess I’ve given up on trying to make any sense of my feelings. Not that I don’t still find value in articulating and expressing them, but they’re operating in another reality.

Or maybe I’m just happy and it’s easier to not be bothered when it is sunny out.

Tanya and I drove to a Safeway. In Seatac. I’m that absurd right now.

I took time to go replace my motorcycle gear this weekend, and nearly bought another motorcycle. I’m fixing the XT, but it’s taking some time, and I discovered another class of bike I liked that I had passed over previously.

As I think back to when I bought my first motorcycle, I try to remember what was going on in my life that drove the purchase, so I can relate to what I’m feeling now. I had wanted to for a while, but something clicked then. I was having problems at work and at home.

But today is a totally different set of problems. Work is awesome. Home is, well, relationships are a problem, but not in the same way. Back then I was starting to recover from moving out of my ex-girlfriends and finding my self esteem again. Now I’m discouraged about relationships on a meta level, it doesn’t make sense. I keep reassuring myself I’m trying too hard. I think that’s it.

So I want to escape the trying, and I think that’s why I want to be riding right now, why I wanted to be riding last night, and the night before.

I just want us to be friends.
Funny, that’s the last thing I want us to be.

When M asked me what was keeping me from doing what I had talked about, I said it was because those where experiences I had wanted to share with a partner. At some point hence, I wrote about deciding to do them anyway. Now, I’m not sure it’s loneliness, but, it’s like that discouragement, the settling, it took something valuable away with it.

I keep trying to hit windows+v to paste because I’m growing accustom to apple+v on the MBP. Pushaw.

you are amazing too. i wish i knew how to say more about this. you have a lot going on, and it’s clear that you’re committed to figuring things out and working on them and being present for yourself and other people you care about. most people never get there.

I’ve been debating bringing this here. In between, I’ve been thinking about it a lot. Remember all that talk about what someone would say at your funeral about who you were; and how I wanted it to be more than “he was fun and could really drink”? Well, I guess that’s it.