Solidly awake listening to someone snoring like they’re going to die, listening to the Juno soundtrack and mobile posting since nobody I’m comfortable bothering seems awake. Amazing that I am, after a weekend of reduced and additional, well, everything. Another Shmoocon past. <\/p>\n
I had a conversation with an HfH site supervisor a while ago about how I take days off to help. He seemed a little surprised. I blew it off at the time, but I definitely feel like the volunteering I do is less stressful than work. Maybe it’s partly just something different. I was ashamedly anxious today in the midst of an incident, not sure why. Little sleep + food, lots of caffiene, probably.<\/p>\n
“You’re so nice and so smart. You’re such a good friend, I have to break your heart. I’ll tell you that I love you, then I’ll tear your world apart. Just pretend I didn’t tear your world apart.”<\/p>\n
Container day is coming up, so M has been on my mind. I’m still in some kind of acceptance mode as of late; of reality. Humanizing? Others speak of removing her from a pedestal. Too much credit where it isn’t due? Some kind of bias of the heart?<\/p>\n
“Also consider that at her core, as evidenced by the manner of breakup and how she otherwise treated you, there are essential emotions lacking. Compassion and empathy. Actions are a trurer reflection of inner self than words.”<\/p>\n
I know a while ago I got thinking and writing about the arguments with M over my defense of H. Self-esteem would be a thin root, as this continues far beyond when these situations, where past relationships affect my daily life, seem to be a regular occurance. Why the defensiveness? Compassion from vulnerability?<\/p>\n
“Sometimes what we can’t have blinds us to the possibilities that are before us. The unobtainable holds great power; often to our detriment and ultimate happiness.”<\/p>\n
And so it goes. There are markers to come this year. Container day, the end of the motorcycle lawsuit, a year at WT.<\/p>\n
“Because when things are overwhelming or profoundly moving (often), i always think that life is full of things. Makes me feel small and humbly subject to whimsy.”<\/p>\n
I’m still of the solid belief that how we act is who we are, and how we treat other people is our mark on the world.<\/p>\n
B: Is anything difficult for you?
\nMe: Everything. I just put on a good show and internalize the pain.
\nB: Whatev….you’re full of sshh..
\nMe: Haha. Serious, long genetic history of making life look easier than it is through bouts of martyrdom.\u00a0 <\/p>\n
Reversing and applying a pedestal filter, I ponder the importance of how people treat me, how it affects my happiness, and who I like. And what that means.<\/p>\n
This reminds of the conversation with A about the friends at her birthday party and being disinterested in them. I long ago found the value of my time, and found it to be high, yet still have a willingness to use it just being around the right people. Perhaps doing nothing is recovery time, and I need the people around me to be of a certain collection of personality traits for that to work.<\/p>\n
I fear my long-term decisions at times, and how they redraw life and time. Perhaps that is what fuels the desire to live in the moment.<\/p>\n
Have I found in B someone someone with the availability and willingness to vulnerability to actually execute on the adventures M was afraid to do more than dream about? I think so.<\/p>\n
During round two, I met M for breakfast and on J’s recommendation spent most of the visit feeling out where she was, where she wanted to engage our relationship. M left that day feeling I was sad, and that she didn’t want to be with someone sad. The actual sad family events of the time aside, I couldn’t have the real conversation with her. Despite her reflection since, the last round confirmed she still is unable to communicate with me without getting overwhelmed, taking this out on how I feel and ultimately on me. Much better than round one in regard to being mean, but still running, and unwilling to face it.<\/p>\n
Ultimately it is that unwillingness that makes any level of relationship a dead-end. As I discern my feelings from reality, that is the focus lens through which I identify my bias.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
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