Riding down Alaskan Way at 6:30 this morning I got stopped for directions by a man in a car, then a woman and her young son walking down the street. For a moment I thought, “Stop ruining this beautiful morning with your broken direction finding!” Then, of course, I laughed and got a coffee.<\/p>\n
Being asked to flush the toilet after I pee, followed by a story about feeling uncomfortable waking up in a house with roommates gone by their boyfriend still hanging out; I had to stifle a “fucking really?” response. On the ride home this morning I spent some time thinking about this. I was reminded of A asking me to take a shower when I spent the night and ensuing time spent considering how I felt about that. I had a hard time not feeling nostalgic for M asking me to go bike camping in a ditch in Tacoma with her shortly after we met. Scratch that, I felt nostalgic, I had a hard time convincing myself to feel<\/em> forward. It’s not that I don’t understand and respect where they are coming from, but this is the broad respect I give everyone. This isn’t my lifestyle, and isn’t the life that is important to me. I’m always wavering on balance; how much to compromise, how much to hold firm to.<\/p>\n I generally ranted about this to J at Araya’s last night. Feeling surrounded by people that feel ‘normal’ because they feel all so similar. Couples with small children, dressed nice, talking about whatever is news these days. I feel like they’re caught up in their day. I feel their goals are what goals are supposed to be. Continuous culture shock, with a certain degree of being accustomed too, depending on my level of awareness and perspective at the moment.<\/p>\n My pile of books to read, and those half read, continues to grow. Conversation this winter with M about cabins and my thoughts hence has me pretty convinced, albeit disappointed, that I’m asking too much of a relationship. Plans are bubbling to the surface, as I consider the intersection of opportunities coming to a head this year. There’s a lot of work to do between then and now. As Dad says, the key to taking advantage of opportunities is putting yourself in a situation where you are prepared for them when they come along.<\/p>\n I have a hard time with that. I was talking to M about this, about the internal battle between knowing that I’m dating nice people, and the passion and maturity that I seem unable to find, lead to her saying to me that there are a lot of nice girls out there, but it doesn’t mean I have to date them. Talking to another friend about this, about dating people we like, who aren’t crazy (emotionally intense and asking for a lot), but aren’t in love with. You have to question falling in love with someone when it seems to pair you with someone you have such a hard time getting along with. What a challenge. I said I like challenges though, right? Well, you both have to.<\/p>\n As I listen to people complain about life, and I get irritated by it, I naturally wonder about how much I complain. Life isn’t all that bad. People reading though my medical reports from my accident all comment on how I shouldn’t have recovered physically or mentally, and ask me what god has to do to me to keep me down. And I wonder, if I could ever stop trying so hard.<\/p>\n And I remember a conversation with M about however nice talking about living out of the suburban driving around the country would be, neither of us could do it for very long without getting cabin fever.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" Riding down Alaskan Way at 6:30 this morning I got stopped for directions by a man in a car, then a woman and her young son walking down the street. For a moment I thought, “Stop ruining this beautiful morning with your broken direction finding!” Then, of course, I laughed and got a coffee. Being […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":[],"categories":[1],"tags":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.loftninjas.org\/rants\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1079"}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.loftninjas.org\/rants\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.loftninjas.org\/rants\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.loftninjas.org\/rants\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.loftninjas.org\/rants\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=1079"}],"version-history":[{"count":2,"href":"http:\/\/www.loftninjas.org\/rants\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1079\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":1081,"href":"http:\/\/www.loftninjas.org\/rants\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1079\/revisions\/1081"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.loftninjas.org\/rants\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=1079"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.loftninjas.org\/rants\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=1079"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.loftninjas.org\/rants\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=1079"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}