It’s Sunday, beautiful out. There’s plenty to do, but I can’t make my self do homework because it’s not physically distracting enough. My emotions are torrential at the moment, and I believe the only cure is time. Sometimes I worry there are better solutions, and that failing to avail myself of them means the time brings a shell, a hardness, that will be difficult to chisel in the future.<\/p>\n
Writing has always been an outlet. Needing to have an outlet has tended to alienate me from my peers who in general act as if life is pretty okay. Over time I’ve realized this is a charade, but it’s not completely absolving. Sometimes I feel backwards, like my heart overflows uncontrollably where others jealousy or anger does. I try to identify common threads in this pattern to mark habits I can assume to dilute the strength to which I feel.<\/p>\n
The worst is when I write because everyone in my life I could talk to is tainted in some way, most often by having had a relationship with them or because I feel that their advice tends to be patronizing. Not having a shoulder or someone to hold is probably the hardest part of being upset for me.<\/p>\n
Despite deciding recently that having expectations of the path of relationships was causing me stress and not soluble with how I’m living my life, I somehow find that I never escaped that hole and I’m still looking down wondering what’s in the darkness below.<\/p>\n
I feel like I’m stumbling towards my fears of being alone like my father, because I can’t seem to find a balance in people between wanting to be loved and wanting to live their lives. This feels inextricably linked to that path. I feel very alone right now, and impotent to do anything about it. The more my hopes get up, then let down, the more cynical I feel.<\/p>\n
I don’t believe it the course of my life isn’t knit out of my own choices, but I do feel like the material, myself, I have little choice in the making of. <\/p>\n
There are trends. Every girl I’ve dated since Heidi has made comment to the affect my strong feelings have on making the relationship move at an undesired speed. As a result, I’ve tried to withhold expressing them but tend to be talked out of that. I have no other manner in which to prevent my heart from leaking, like fuel from an drum, setting myself up for intense burn-off.<\/p>\n
I fight the desire to leave this all behind. I love this place, and these people, but I’m burning out. Perhaps I’m destined to give too much because I feel so much, and it will always wear on me.<\/p>\n
I guess I need to sit back for a while and watch, and hope life turns out a little better on it’s own accord? The quiet of my bedroom and the warmth of a blanket are calling.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
It’s Sunday, beautiful out. There’s plenty to do, but I can’t make my self do homework because it’s not physically distracting enough. My emotions are torrential at the moment, and I believe the only cure is time. Sometimes I worry there are better solutions, and that failing to avail myself of them means the time […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":[],"categories":[1],"tags":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.loftninjas.org\/rants\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/289"}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.loftninjas.org\/rants\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.loftninjas.org\/rants\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.loftninjas.org\/rants\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.loftninjas.org\/rants\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=289"}],"version-history":[{"count":2,"href":"http:\/\/www.loftninjas.org\/rants\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/289\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":291,"href":"http:\/\/www.loftninjas.org\/rants\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/289\/revisions\/291"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.loftninjas.org\/rants\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=289"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.loftninjas.org\/rants\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=289"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.loftninjas.org\/rants\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=289"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}