[this is a pure super upset rant]<\/p>\n
Deep breath. What is this? Pain. Not frustration, not sadness, not anger or angst. I don’t know. It needs a physical outlet I think. I want to run around, but I feel like between the rain and the lack of running shoes (when did the only pairs of _shoes_ I have become bicycle shoes and water shoes?) I’m a little afraid. Afraid. Where’d that word come from? I’m going to give up in a ditch somewhere. I’m thinking about getting on the Schwinn, but, I’ll probably push myself too hard and vomit.<\/p>\n
I’ve managed a banana, soup, chili, a breakfast sandwich and some chips today. I laugh at that feeling like an accomplishment. I laughing a bunch the last couple hours, at the absurdity.<\/p>\n
Mom confused my coment about “Yeah, sorry.” as being related to my parents divorce, which it wasn’t. Sometimes I forget people read this because I very rarely have anyone say anything to me about it. I don’t know what I think they’d say anyway. It was an interesting direction to go in.<\/p>\n
I’m biased. upset. wanting to say things that I know aren’t going to come out right. I’m partly convinced they would because I feel like they come from the right place, but, it’s an outpour. It’s what I committed to not doing again last week. What to do…<\/p>\n
i emailed my professor today and told him I was dropping the class. I don’t think he reads his email. Oh well. I’m okay with that for now.<\/p>\n
Reading the last email I got from her. I’m sort of a douche. Feeling like I can still do something or say something that will make a difference. Trying to rationalize the situation like it’s something I can fix. Mostly my email is just flailing about in pain. And so dramatic. Ugh. God I don’t even make sense. I’m tempted to apologize, even though I already did. It probably doesn’t matter either way. Saying anything is probably salting a wound. “I’m not equipped for this loss. That’s silly.” You know when you read something you wrote a long time ago and it’s embarassing? Yeah. I’m pretty embarrassing. I’m not listening, or reading, or thinking. I’m just reacting to my emotions. stooopid, foolish emotions.<\/p>\n
Everyone’s advice amounts to one of two things, “forget about her”, or, well, the serious equivalent of Denis Leary singing “life’s gonna suck when you grow up.”<\/p>\n
Some days I feel like I’ve really got my feet on the ground. Some days I\u00a0 feel like I’m fifteen and it’s a wonder that anyone can stand me at all.<\/p>\n
Oh bad ideas, bad ideas. It’s difficult being on the losing end of a good decision. I mean, normally it’s terrible, yeah. blah. obvious. The stomach is going in circles. I want to tell it to behave. I totally still believe I can do something to fix this. I’m in denial about that. I don’t know what to do about that. I’m thinking that… I’m going to do something wrong. I’m going to go ride in the rain before I do.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
[this is a pure super upset rant] Deep breath. What is this? Pain. Not frustration, not sadness, not anger or angst. I don’t know. It needs a physical outlet I think. I want to run around, but I feel like between the rain and the lack of running shoes (when did the only pairs of […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":[],"categories":[1],"tags":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.loftninjas.org\/rants\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/349"}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.loftninjas.org\/rants\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.loftninjas.org\/rants\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.loftninjas.org\/rants\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.loftninjas.org\/rants\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=349"}],"version-history":[{"count":2,"href":"http:\/\/www.loftninjas.org\/rants\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/349\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":351,"href":"http:\/\/www.loftninjas.org\/rants\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/349\/revisions\/351"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.loftninjas.org\/rants\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=349"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.loftninjas.org\/rants\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=349"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.loftninjas.org\/rants\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=349"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}