I don’t think before tonights musings that I’d describe myself as a particularly passionate person, but I’m actually pretty strongly believing that I am now. I suppose that the doubt would come from feeling like I’m an opinion-less person. Not that I am not unique but that I’m some how indifferent. It’s taken a lot of time to sort that out. There are a lot of things that I am indifferent to, or perhaps more importantly that I’m just uninterested in seeing much effort go in to; it is a sort of the ends don’t justify the means thing.

One of the topics of today has been breakups and I struggled to try to find a way to verbalize the problems that come along with them. Such that when you’re emotionally invested in someone and allow your self esteem to be tied into that relationship, with everything else aside it, break ups require a sort of rebirth. I gander that the most common way of dealing with this emotional trauma is by blame; either blaming ourselves or the other person. I’m weak, they’re an asshole, either or, although probably not so often both. It would seem that finding some sort of middle ground is a daunting task worth the effort. I don’t feel it is so much about being open minded as it is the ability to leave ourselves open, our hearts if you will. Open in such a way that they vulnerable, yet we’re able to recognize and cope with that trauma in a controlled, positive way.

In the past I feel like I’ve been told too often by people I cared about that I didn’t have enough opinions. Thinking about that is a reminder about how vulnerable I can allow my self esteem to be.

Yet I’ve been oft described and would agree that with the phrase that I “wear my heart on my sleeve”. I do have opinions, and some of them I feel very strongly about.

I distracted myself with some chores today. I didn’t get a lot of sleep last night; after sobering up and having a late night breakfast, I drank a bunch of coffee before going to bed. So I had a headache most the day and didn’t have the stamina to go back to Toorcon for the talks today and instead did some chores. I went out and bought a lawnmower and took care of all of that, as well as picking up some house furniture with Tori. It’s difficult to remember that 24 hours ago was in fact, 24 hours ago. But I felt like I needed distracting, as such Tori and I made quite the effort towards finding a copy of High Fidelity and watching it. I am a sap when it comes to movies, and I feel not like repeating all of the thoughts that go along with that.

The point being that I am a very emotional person and I am passionate about a few things, sometimes to the degree that I feel like it’s going to overwhelm people. Certainly in the past my emotions have overwhelmed people and I’ve been disappointed by the lack of communication regarding as much.

I had a thought run through my mind today that I meant to note but can’t recall right now due to being tired, but it relates to this: I often feel like this lack of communication is one sided and that perhaps I’m too communicative. That’s the wrong word though, because communication is a two way process. I feel lost amongst all the accept societal and group mannerisms for when it’s ok to say what and tend to say what’s on my mind. That’s not totally the case because I do pick up on a number of social clues which are important enough that I group myself separately from people that I describe as “socially broken”. But it’s wrong to assume that I am the more communicative one, because perhaps I am just missing clues and more often than not it ISN’T communication, it’s just these silly clues and what have you.

I do have going for me that I’ve grown very accustomed to my feelings. If I like someone and it’s not reciprocated, while that hurts like any other rejection would, I have little shame or desire to hide those feelings. They are mine, and worth sharing.