btms–>rants

I’ve written about madness; about existential angst, breakfast of champions, a beautiful mind, the house episode about genius and the robotussin cure. Nearly all problems in life are life itself. But if you can’t connect with other people, if the smell of spring isn’t something you can share with each other, what binds you and others? Love?

I fear that the majority of my relationships are the combination of my compassion, physical attraction, and enough personality correlation to like each other. The implication that the madness that exists between this and my emotions is something I have to treat as a disability is traumatizing in itself. Today was long, and it took a lot to keep my feelings away from those who don’t want to know them.

When I think about the three types of knowledge, I think about my indifference to get worked up by things I can’t really change, that I feel like I’m suppose to be upset about. But then there’s those things that do evoke feeling, like M, that I wonder if I’ll ever find a place to set down. As I step back and question my own mental and emotional sanity, I can’t help but feel alone, sad, and disappointed in others.

When you can’t sit still any longer, and feel like change is needed; how much of it is the distraction of something new overtaking dealing with the present?

M’s inability to cope with her emotions evoked by the presence of mine continues to be at the forefront of my thoughts. J and I seem to agree that she doesn’t have the tools needed because she refuses to prioritize her feelings, likely out of fear. And yet, no logic or explanation I can garner changes how I feel. Under the circumstances, I very much wish it would.

I had lunch with Adam the other day and I mentioned the fear of compromising who I am for a relationship. He stated that nobody I’ve dated would outwardly want me to do that for them. Not that he has known most of the people I have dated, but as a rule. That calls into further question what exactly I aim to garner from a relationship. Lately I have been more convinced it is to be challenged as a human that has been missing, and I’ve spoken a lot about ‘peers’ accordingly. Maybe I need to make that fully my own responsibility and find comfort in a more pure companionship setting. Which is to say, establish a companion as less as a motivator and more as a cohort. Does this come back to ‘pals’? That’s just confusing.

I used to complain that I had simple desires that were so hard to fulfill. Now I see them as not so simple, but still maintain that I am not asking for very much. Still, so few I meet seem to have the experience to leverage to grasp so much. J comments often about how I’ve put more energy into this than those in my age group. Does that make dating anyone my age or younger a fundamental mistake? That would be prejudice, but I wonder about the implications.

I feel like the second paragraph of my last post needs a complete rewrite.

Historically, I haven’t been in a hurry to define ‘what’ a relationship is. There have been times when something has felt wrong, where more is at play than has been communicated. I don’t think B know how to communicate what she felt. Her actions seemed to usually preface her thoughts and when called on this she would back away. In retrospect, M is probably similar, but for some different reasons.

There’s something to recognize in that feeling the something is unsaid. Perhaps because it took me by surprise with M? Because that was so ‘I do not know what this is, but I am out’? I may have learned to be more aware of the unspoken.

A part of me still believes there is no comparison. I’m simultaneously refining what I want into something that appears to have no long term resolution, while coming to terms with that and further accepting how much I’m on my own and can’t count on finding an adequate companion to my life.

Some days I really feel like the rest of the world knows something I don’t. Damn robots.

Feelings with B were a two sided coin. Either wanting to embrace them (but too fearful to) or keeping her distance in a way that exemplified that they weren’t worthwhile. Even now, when I expressed concern for her feelings she told me I wasn’t responsible for her feelings, and yet unconsciously expressed how much I actually did. It wasn’t fair at all, and some friends immediately told me not to feel guilty or responsible when I retold the story. I don’t though. I can’t recall feeling like I’ve unfairly hurt anyone in quite some time. I always try very hard in relationships.

As I gave a nod to in my last post, I feel like JR is the most emotionally intact person I’ve dated in a while. Available may also be synonymous, I’m not sure. I just feel like chasms in the road were hit where no amount of communication and patience on my part were going to bridge the gap.

I was talking to J, trying to describe how I got along with M and the best I could describe was that I felt we were ‘pals’ and that I wouldn’t be sacrificing parts of myself to be together. I don’t know if I’ve felt that way before, nor exactly what it’s makings were.

July is going to be interesting.

It’s funny hearing cheers to “17 year olds and 7 speeds” and “I like your gray hair, it means something is important enough for you to stress about” in the same evening.

The last couple days I’ve felt some uncomfortable parallels between M and J. Some are silly, like my nose going into pure useless water drip mode recently, and when it did about a year ago. Others are more disconcerting, like body language.

I went to make a comment tonight about how my last two relationships felt emotionally curtailed, then I thought about it and upgraded it. To the last three. Then again, to the last four. What a year. Then that bothered me, the past year. A year ago was the peak, a relationship that started out feeling very emotionally intense, but which backfired and burned itself out from the inside. Since that turned downhill, it’s mostly been an emotionally unavailable world and I haven’t known quite where to put myself.

We’ll see where that goes. For the time being, I’m excited about that coming to an end.

There’s a manner of spirit that excels when life is formidable. When I think about doing too much, I realize it is more about doing to much at once. A lot of discussion recently has centered around age. Not that it is the core factor, but the conversation starts there and evolves out. It’s easy to start there; thinking about who I was five years ago is mind boggling now. Yet, it is often circumstances, their past experiences, and how strong their drive is to become a better person that reflects who they are than their age. Moving forward with an open mind to the unknown, and move forward honestly.

Years back a boss conveyed to me that he wanted me on board supporting an action he was going to make, but in business-etiquette-book manner he was unclear about the specifics, yet inferred enough. I told him I would do what I thought was right. He didn’t like that answer, nor my resignation.

Last night in a very frustrated conversation someone was trying to convey to me their difficulty of being stuck between two options, one of making someone else change or suffering. I told him if I were him I would walk away. He’d have none of it, so I couldn’t explain why. You can’t change other people, and suffering is inevitable. In a world of two bad choices the one that feels right to you is where I side. Our own actions are what matter.

I have unsocial thoughts sometimes too. Reminds me of existentialist angst.

The other day I was thinking about a snowmobile ride when I was a kid. My father was on the big snowmobile with my friend Mike on the back of it. They were towing the dogsled with Derek, his little brother Greg and I on the back of it. I’d have to say our median age was probably ten. We were slowly crossing a bridge over a six foot deep trench made out of trees under the snow, and the snowmobile rolled onto it’s side. Mike didn’t move his leg and it rolled onto it. I remember my fathers adrenaline kicking in as he fought to roll the snowmobile back over. Interestingly, I did the same and immediately ran over to help. Of course I probably didn’t help much, being small and young. Derrick and Greg stood by, probably scared. It’s interesting to think about my response now. Ken and I were talking again recently about the time the suburban caught on fire in eastern Washington recently. That wasn’t why I was thinking about the snowmobile trip though.

Derek and Greg weren’t allowed to ride on our snowmobiles anymore after that, but Mike still was. I’m willing to bet Mike’s father said something like, “You stupid shit, jump next time.” While the other boys mother said something like “I don’t want you riding on their snowmobiles anymore, it’s dangerous.” or something worse about my parents judgment. I’ll never forget Mike’s father once telling me that if I told anyone about a project of his he’d tear off my head and shit now my neck. He was awesome.

Mom and I chat pretty regularly about these type of events, her belief that allowing me to grow up on my own and learn my own lessons was usually the best course. And that continues. Conversations with J about relating my intensity with learning systems being similar to my intensity in relationships, shrouded by my choice to feel openly.

People don’t like to be meddled with. We tell them what to do, what to think, don’t run, don’t walk. We’re in their homes and in their heads and we haven’t the right. We’re meddlesome.

Meaningful action. Definitely honing in on finding terms with transition caused by refined intentions. At times I worry that there isn’t enough for a partner to hold on to, but plenty of wonderful friends have. Ultimately, theres plenty to be done. When the dust settles, who is still around matters more than anything else.

Actions do mean much more than words in this case. Hope isn’t enough.

Is caring really that hard on other people?

I got a lot of flack yesterday when I mentioned the significance of the day. Mostly it amounted to, “today is not going to be important to her, so it should not be so important you.” Which is the common “She doesn’t care about you as much as you care about her.” argument. Those points are relatively moot however. Yesterday only could have been significant to us if there was such a thing.

remember, i made this decision for me, not for you or us.

No, yesterday wasn’t about us. Ultimately everything since those words has been about how I feel, nothing else had legs to stand on after that. Granted, how I felt had a level of intensity that worried or repelled a lot of people, but it was a valuable course to run. I don’t recall that I’ve believed differently. While I’ve had periods of false hope to deconstruct, I long before took personal responsibility for my feelings and communicating them as clearly as possible with the people that I’m close to. The hard part was losing the most reasonable outlet for those feelings.

Not my usual route into work this morning, a bit longer and more peaceful; coming from White Center and going along the wooded Duwamish River Trail. Also was on the 29er and not the fixed, so a bit slower. I’ve been thinking a little about times when I have to sit someone down in a relationship and ask them something; prod them. I don’t mind it, but when it gets common it makes me sad when I’m always the “lets talk about that” person. Are folks so used to what follows being so dramatic or argumentative that they dare not go down that road by default? Are they not as experienced in communicating or just not so optimistic? I was comparing a lot of levels of that, from “what is our relationship anyway” conversations to partners being communicative about how they feel, what they want. I’ve hit a lot of different fears in dating, being afraid to communicate ones feelings is all too common. Uncomfortable, maybe? Afraid seems to encompass that.

No, when I read those words, I can barely remember the person I was a year ago. Which is the point of yesterday’s reflection.