Though I really do feel for you, because I know your heart is huge and being a person of that type always makes it a heavier burden when you’re unlucky in love

Lots of talk about my heart. I realize more taking ownership of my feelings, and them being mine. I’m less interested in sharing them, or broadcasting them perhaps. My thought goes into motivation. It’s possible to overthink all of this, so it’s still important to let my heart drive. But it’s sad. Standing outside the movie theater I wrapped my arms around the banister at the edge of the balcony as the fear of throwing myself off takes it’s usual hold. Only now, it’s sad.

Doors that were flung open are slowly being sealed back shut again. Along the way, I’ve gotten to see a little bit more of what’s inside them. It’s difficult remembering, because it makes me sad, but I have to live with that sadness. I’m not really in a position to walk away right now, so I get up and do what has to be done. Oh, hello Father.

It’s ____ how we justify reality, rationalize what happens to use, and explain it all away. I’m not very interested in any of it anymore.

And so it goes, a special room in my heart carved out. On my 27th birthday, more than ever, I’m not the person I was a year ago, and I could never go back.

Incredibly sad.

Can’t decide if I’m supposed to embrace it, avoid it, or run a lap in response.

Feels hopeless, which makes me feel not strong enough for anyone.

I had a little mission that kept me in the city center last night which lead into another night of tomfoolery with the hack night kids. Mostly the usual, buncha drinking. Notable accomplishments were the projection of gay porn on the side of R Place, and Matt not only having one girl storm out the bar, (perhaps in hopes that Galen would chase her?) but getting chastised by the Tacos Gringos employee for hassling the other girl at the bar before we even got to Tacos Gringos. Some people have the craziest ideas… why are you looking at me?

Out of the millions of photos of Ben Country, a couple finally showed up of me. I’m such a loner. Here’s me looking all grumpy and lonerish, although mostly I wasn’t feeling like standing in a group of people and was thinking. Andre came over, and towards the time to go so did Alex, and good conversations were had.

The other is at another stop on the way out while waiting for the Ginger/Dog debacle to come to some resolution. I forget how broad shouldered I am.

Star Trek opens today. I was going to wait until tomorrow, being Friday and all, it seemed like the better day. I may just go out this afternoon, consider it a birthday treat to myself.

A year ago today one of my great grandmothers, Mae, died. She was 95. She had been suffering from Alzheimer’s for some time, and thus most of us couldn’t see her anymore. I expected that would have made it easier than it was. I miss her, and everything that was her. I found an old email from mom from that time today.

I also want you to know that just because a relationship ends doesn’t mean that you didn’t love that person….or continue to love that person. It’s how you use that experience going forward that continues to shape you.

Father is interesting. Or his impact on his family. Stoic independence to his death it seems, while we stand in a row watching, unable to do anything more. It’s a trend in my life, but, I think I’m feeling sorry for myself. A old friend from Maine IM’d me today talking about having problems with his wife. Looking at it, I’m reminded that all you can do is say how you feel and stand back and watch. I act on my emotions a lot. I’ve talked in the past about learning to filter them, and had a few conversations where I’ve been told I shouldn’t. Still, perhaps I need a different way of expressing my intentions. Mother made note that there’s a big difference between how you feel and what actions you choose as a result. I’ve been trying to put more in thought into what actions I feel like taking before I allow them to execute to identify what threads of them are selfish indulgence.

It’s feeling like something needs to be done about ones feelings that may be a premature assumption.

Woo [drunk]! Bought a tandem today off craigslist and rode around the ‘hood with Tori drinking. Good times chatting with Jarrod at Squid, who recommended checking out a bar called the Industry Lounge which is unique for Georgetown and we’ll definitely go back.

Memories that induce sadness have decreased to hourly, which is progress. Tori mentioned I seem much better, which I think is directly correlated to having found some dignity in my actions. Big party this weekend, Saturday night, please come.

Big day at work tomorrow, so I need to drink some water, take some vitamins and get to bed.

Friend: good to hear
Friend: been reading up on your brain
Friend: you do a lot of thinking
Friend: nice to know that others do it too
Me: Yes!
Me: It’s a pet peeve of mine that it’s so secret that we all think.
Friend: You just have the talent and balls to write it down where others can read

I responded to a friend’s blog post about gender issues, society and prejudice this morning. It’s hard to separate all of those. I’ve been waiting for a solid chunk of time to respond to another friend’s post about old relationships you never let go of. When I came in this morning, I got the above IM. I feel like more people are being open about thinking and feeling, and this makes me happy. Being a thoughtful person should not be alienating.

I’m still unable to sleep without completely exhausting myself and some trickery. I’m avoiding Nyquil so far. Problem is really more the waking up early than not being able to get to sleep in the first place. I laid in bed breathing this morning for an hour before I gave up.

L clued me in to how indulgent I’ve been, and when I stopped to think about it I saw how far down dead end roads been expressive was taking me. It’s relieving in the short term to what I want to say because it allows me to vent some emotion, but it doesn’t get me anywhere unless I go back, read it, and think about it.

Man life is hard and lonely.

I think the exhaustion is about to hit me, and that’s great. I want to get some sleep tonight. I just need to eek out a little bit more before it happens and make sure I’m a little more than a single step away from where I was a few hours ago.

I’m really uninterested in any explanation of why our emotions work the way they do. Which sounds hypocritical at first, since I’ve been raving so much about rationalizing my feelings and finding answers. My feelings are huge, which is funny, because it’s often assumed otherwise. Or perhaps, I’ve joked too many times about that one story where Hannah thought I was intimidating when she was a teenager and her brother brought her over to my apartment. A friend recently told me that a number of people think I’m nice, but sort of a loner. Which I suppose is a half-truth. Community and connection, personal relationships, my heart craves these things. I suppose you may not see it, at the same time I complain about the amount of exertion required and anxiety surrounding being social.

I’m nervous about the future. I’m incredibly vulnerable from this pain/hurt. Normally I worry about stupid shit like how much effort I’ll have to put into being social, so you can betcha that I worry a lot about this. Everything is still uneasy and twisted inside of me, but there’s a little relief tonight and I’m happy about that. I worry about what I’ll be able to handle, I don’t feel very strong right now and feel like I’m missing a part of my life. Which, I suppose I am. Too much hope.

I’m disappointed in my reactions, and need to think about this all more.

A bike ride around the hood, a lot of swearing at myself and being self-critical, and a couple apologies later, and a part of me is better. Yay! It may be undermined with wishful thinking, but I’m okay with that tonight and will think about it more later. I’m still sad, and heart broken, of course. That’ll stay. And so it goes. I was sort of an asshole at times, fueled on so much raw emotion. Oh well.

The death of spoke is like an open wound.

I should have gotten some food before I started this [dramatic, oh shatner] movie. Only a few days until the new one opens!!!

[this is a pure super upset rant]

Deep breath. What is this? Pain. Not frustration, not sadness, not anger or angst. I don’t know. It needs a physical outlet I think. I want to run around, but I feel like between the rain and the lack of running shoes (when did the only pairs of _shoes_ I have become bicycle shoes and water shoes?) I’m a little afraid. Afraid. Where’d that word come from? I’m going to give up in a ditch somewhere. I’m thinking about getting on the Schwinn, but, I’ll probably push myself too hard and vomit.

I’ve managed a banana, soup, chili, a breakfast sandwich and some chips today. I laugh at that feeling like an accomplishment. I laughing a bunch the last couple hours, at the absurdity.

Mom confused my coment about “Yeah, sorry.” as being related to my parents divorce, which it wasn’t. Sometimes I forget people read this because I very rarely have anyone say anything to me about it. I don’t know what I think they’d say anyway. It was an interesting direction to go in.

I’m biased. upset. wanting to say things that I know aren’t going to come out right. I’m partly convinced they would because I feel like they come from the right place, but, it’s an outpour. It’s what I committed to not doing again last week. What to do…

i emailed my professor today and told him I was dropping the class. I don’t think he reads his email. Oh well. I’m okay with that for now.

Reading the last email I got from her. I’m sort of a douche. Feeling like I can still do something or say something that will make a difference. Trying to rationalize the situation like it’s something I can fix. Mostly my email is just flailing about in pain. And so dramatic. Ugh. God I don’t even make sense. I’m tempted to apologize, even though I already did. It probably doesn’t matter either way. Saying anything is probably salting a wound. “I’m not equipped for this loss. That’s silly.” You know when you read something you wrote a long time ago and it’s embarassing? Yeah. I’m pretty embarrassing. I’m not listening, or reading, or thinking. I’m just reacting to my emotions. stooopid, foolish emotions.

Everyone’s advice amounts to one of two things, “forget about her”, or, well, the serious equivalent of Denis Leary singing “life’s gonna suck when you grow up.”

Some days I feel like I’ve really got my feet on the ground. Some days I  feel like I’m fifteen and it’s a wonder that anyone can stand me at all.

Oh bad ideas, bad ideas. It’s difficult being on the losing end of a good decision. I mean, normally it’s terrible, yeah. blah. obvious. The stomach is going in circles. I want to tell it to behave. I totally still believe I can do something to fix this. I’m in denial about that. I don’t know what to do about that. I’m thinking that… I’m going to do something wrong. I’m going to go ride in the rain before I do.

I really had to laugh about two examples today of how everything reminds me of her. They still bother me, and make me sad, but just how absurd it is, is sort of funny.

I walked down to the IGA to get some soup to eat at Victor Steinbrueck around lunch and grabbing a plastic spoon reminded me of her tiny peanut butter jar spoon.

While laying down, a memory upset me and I forced myself to take deep breaths. Breathing reminded me of her doing the same. Seriously. I have problems.

I’m thinking about dropping my pre-calculus class. I missed two classes last week, the first from getting into the doctor and dealing with that, and the second was the day L left me. I’m pretty sure I missed my midterm, and I emailed the professor about making it up before tonight but didn’t hear back.

I was up early today, and as I previously mentioned wasn’t going to get back to sleep. I just had to take a short nap to stay functional at work, and it’s still before noon.

I started taking classes because L inspired me to, through no fault of her own. Life was better then, atop Maslow’s hiearchy and all of that. Now I’m in the trenches again, dealing with my feelings and it’s not so important anymore, or at the moment at least.

Not that I need less distractions, but I have more than I have time for anyways. Of course I’d try again when things get better. hmm.