Sleep has been strange and my “positional vertigo” is still worse after sleeping than any other time, although relatively innocuous compared to the strength of symptoms the first day. As I continue reading The Art of Loving I paused and looked at my over my white-board. At one point I captured a quote from the television show House where Cuddy says to House, “I love you. I wish I didn’t but I can’t help it.” I’m tempted to spare the explanation of the circumstances, but I realize they’re somewhat relevant in a moment. I think I wrote the quote down because I identified with struggling with who I had strong feelings for. It hasn’t been for the most convenient or, more specifically, those who I’ve felt have had good relationship qualities like strong communication skills, reasonableness, and patience.

In House, Cuddy convincingly tries to date a man who is reliable and would make a “good” father for her child. He is the “good” things that House is not. Yet, in the end, or at least at the end of the season I watched, she leaves him for House. Perhaps because drama retains viewers and viewers sell advertisements, but I often think there is a “Star Trek” kind of humanity in good television. When I had saved the quote, I identified with being frustrated with having little control over who I had strong feelings toward, but tonight while reviewing the white-board I realized that there was a much larger commonality.

I’ve had a change of heart lately, or perhaps, a decision has been made about my life hence-forth. I’ve roughly labelled it pessimism, but mostly because that term is swooping and is easily at hand. I’ve had great conversations about the importance of finding someone who fills a good deal of the roles I’m looking for in a partner. Yet, I’ve realized those are more, intangible. More so, they are niceties and not deal-breakers. It is funny to consider a checklist of what I think a person should be like, since I’m mostly indifferent to these traits being particularly important otherwise. I suppose that is significant. As I’ve dated women who I consider intelligent, caring, and motivated, those who have been well balanced and whose lives aren’t all that different from mine (although, hmm, I do feel so alone still in ways. That’s worth considering further.), I still haven’t felt great about the relationships. This has been framed as “I shouldn’t be dating people I should be friends with,” lately. So my change heart is that I am no longer convinced that finding a great partner is a matter of finding a great person measured by socially ideal traits. I have. They were all great. It wasn’t, apparently, right.