Mom says sometimes I should watch myself. Pa has slowly gotten to the point of accepting he’s an alcoholic. I think it’s taken him a couple decades. Much like society likes calling herpes cold sores, my dad’s family likes calling alcoholism “joe’s bar”. Whatever, I guess growing up around it desensitizes you a bit. I forget exactly what the criteria for such things are, but I know I fit the bill of “binge drinker” or something. We call it partying, but like I already point out, it really doesn’t matter what name you call it.
After two nights of drinking, I walked down to the store tonight to clear my mind and take a walk. Somehow I came back with a 24 of PBR and I feel like I shouldn’t trust myself to say/write anything. People often talk about alcohol being a depressant. I’m pretty confidant when I say I can’t think of when I’ve ever felt sadder after drinking that before. I hate to link to some crappy webspam like about.com but there’s a bit here that touches on this. “but the evidence suggests that in men alcohol use preceded the depression”. I don’t know, doesn’t make sense in my head.
I’ve spent a couple hours here trying to convince myself to distract myself until it’s late enough to go to bed. Rather than risk writing something totally irresponsible. Oops. Don’t forget that posting on the internet is like yelling something out loud in public.
On the other hand, I’ve totally forgotten all the personal stuff I was going to write about. Is that a good thing?
I’ve ranted in the paste about women on dating sites making comments about just looking for good honest guys and laughed about how it’s kind of unbelievable. The best part of the “dating” adventure, recent conversations, and ramblings is that I’ve come out of it all with a pretty good idea of what I want/need from a relationship and while I don’t think it’s that complicated I’m pretty convinced it’s not going to be easy to come by.
When people’s standards are things like “honest” I can’t help but feel like these standards are a little broad and not really considered. As I’ve said, nobody ever says they really want to date a liar, but of course the reality is that it comes down to priorities. How high of a priority is honesty to something like looks/money/power/number of toes/etc. I guess that’s the point really, but I like pretending I’m slow because the first conclusion is more amusing to me.
Of course I often rant about people being “religious” about things, or a zealot, or perhaps a better, less religion focused word. When people are all “omg. THIS!” I have to shake my head and turn off, because they reek of unreasonableness. I see this most often in religion, but often elsewhere, even “hippie” bits like in vegetarians or vegans. It’s not so much a convincing argument but a statement of how it’s going to be. And come on, it’s not like they’re Chuck Norris or anything and can tell the world how it’s going to be.
Staying away from stereotypes like saying that you want “to be treated right” or “respected” in a relationship is a good thing, as these bits are often super duper specific to each of us. I’ve spent a bit of time parsing out my feelings as part of my okcupid profile over the last few months but to add a little bit on to where I ended earlier…
When I really care I get pretty vulnerable. I feel like that’s something that kept me from caring or getting excited about things in years past as it was too easy to get hurt when it didn’t work out the way I wanted. I wonder that now that I’m more willing to let myself be vulnerable if it’s the sort of thing I’ll grow more of skin for, or gain more vision/wisdom, or just ruin myself ;). On second thought I’m not sure I really knew how to care, otherwise avoiding it was somehow subconscious. Interesting.
Like the lack of specifics in the summarization of “honest”, I feel like saying that I want to find someone that cares about me as being some sort of a trap. As people care in different ways, that’s obviously something specific to me. As I try to bury old feelings for people while not having any new ones to replace them with, I’m just left feeling lonely. I know I have friends and family that care, but it’s not the same. I don’t know if it’s simply the physical contact of holding someone close, but I often even feel lonely around people.