It’s Sunday, beautiful out. There’s plenty to do, but I can’t make my self do homework because it’s not physically distracting enough. My emotions are torrential at the moment, and I believe the only cure is time. Sometimes I worry there are better solutions, and that failing to avail myself of them means the time brings a shell, a hardness, that will be difficult to chisel in the future.

Writing has always been an outlet. Needing to have an outlet has tended to alienate me from my peers who in general act as if life is pretty okay. Over time I’ve realized this is a charade, but it’s not completely absolving. Sometimes I feel backwards, like my heart overflows uncontrollably where others jealousy or anger does. I try to identify common threads in this pattern to mark habits I can assume to dilute the strength to which I feel.

The worst is when I write because everyone in my life I could talk to is tainted in some way, most often by having had a relationship with them or because I feel that their advice tends to be patronizing. Not having a shoulder or someone to hold is probably the hardest part of being upset for me.

Despite deciding recently that having expectations of the path of relationships was causing me stress and not soluble with how I’m living my life, I somehow find that I never escaped that hole and I’m still looking down wondering what’s in the darkness below.

I feel like I’m stumbling towards my fears of being alone like my father, because I can’t seem to find a balance in people between wanting to be loved and wanting to live their lives. This feels inextricably linked to that path. I feel very alone right now, and impotent to do anything about it. The more my hopes get up, then let down, the more cynical I feel.

I don’t believe it the course of my life isn’t knit out of my own choices, but I do feel like the material, myself, I have little choice in the making of.

There are trends. Every girl I’ve dated since Heidi has made comment to the affect my strong feelings have on making the relationship move at an undesired speed. As a result, I’ve tried to withhold expressing them but tend to be talked out of that. I have no other manner in which to prevent my heart from leaking, like fuel from an drum, setting myself up for intense burn-off.

I fight the desire to leave this all behind. I love this place, and these people, but I’m burning out. Perhaps I’m destined to give too much because I feel so much, and it will always wear on me.

I guess I need to sit back for a while and watch, and hope life turns out a little better on it’s own accord? The quiet of my bedroom and the warmth of a blanket are calling.

Tori mentioned to me recently having read an article about stupid fixed gear trends, and Luke Kaines recently shared this wired article in his google reader feed. They are probably the same article. This got me thinking as the benefits of fashion are pretty dubious to me. Which is to say, I get them, but I think it’s mostly a bunch of horsecockery.

I dislike the time or money it takes to keep something fashionable or attractive. I’ve got better things to do than paint my truck, and if I was going to spend any money on it, paint certainly isn’t near the top of the list of beneficial upgrades. A spacer plate for the TBI, a solar panel, new weather stripping for the barn doors; these are things that serve useful purpose. This attitude comes through often and I summarize it as utility beats fashion. See my clothes, my furniture, etc.

First, all my fixed gear bikes have brakes, of course, there simply isn’t any good reason to drop it. Arguments are “I can’t spin the wheel”, to which I reply, “tricks are dumb”, and that “brakes are heavy”, with the response “ounces aren’t more important than your head”. I’ve had my fair share of major head trauma. I’m not the type of person that’s going to chastize you to your face, but you’re a fucking idiot. Theres no excuse that can justify the risk imbued in that photograph. Brain trauma is a terrible thing to put yourself and the people that care about you through. I narrowly escaped permanent injury, and that was on a motorcycle in the city at speeds below what I’ve seen cyclists ride. I was wearing a full face helmet, which surely saved my life.

I rode a couple geared bikes to work for a while that just didn’t fit me and I was searching for a bigger frame. I found a 63cm Schwinn frame on craigslist and paid too much for it out of it being the right product at the right time. Sheldon Brown, my main source of bicycle information, recommended trying fixed before trying single speed, so I jumped in.

The red Schwinn is giant, which I realized more later. It has 32mm x 27″ Schwalbe tires, 63cm frame, cut bullhorns, and a front brake. I think I went with 40t x 17t drivetrain, on a 17/19 surly dingle with an 18t freewheel on the other side. I got the dingle out of having no idea what would be appropriate in Seattle.

I loved it. It was lighter than my other bikes, which is a great feel. Part of whats great about riding bikes is cruising along in the open air, and with a heavy bicycle you feel more like your riding along on the top of a hunk of metal. With a lighter bike it’s fun due to a more free feeling. I could take my bike with me to non bike friendly places and easily shoulder it, then throw it in a corner somewhere. It was simple, and didn’t require much tuning or tomfoolery. And it was still steel.

Steel. I love steel. I had a coworker (a fair weather rider) give me the usual shit for being a hipster while telling me I should buy a nice carbon bike like his. First, any road bike whose cost rivals the $3000 that I paid for my Suburban is disproportional. It’s just not worth it. If you’re not riding that bike absolutely every fucking day, you’re also an asshole for blowing that much money on something you don’t use. I don’t trust carbon. I don’t know where I’m going to end up on a ride, and need the trustworthy utility of steel. A long ride on a multi-use path could very easily end up in the potholed streets of an industrial area’s of SODO (two Thursdays ago), or bombing through rooted trails of Woodland Park (last Thursday). Steel is also ubiquitous, inexpensive, durable, and repairable.

This spring I bit the bullet and built an IRO. I wanted something even lighter for the riding around in the nice weather. I found a 59cm Mark V on Ebay, and built it up with half new parts from IRO. The wheelset is the nicest I’ve ever bought new, but it’s nothing special, and running Continental 23s. The drivetrain is IRO, 46t x 16t.

I know some monster’s that ride even higher, and I get it now. This was a huge jump for me, but I don’t find it absurd at all. I had some problems with running a 1/4″ chain on the 3/8″ dingle (duh) on the Schwinn, and replaced it recently with a slightly smaller cog, but I still love that bike the way it is. It’s my truck fixie, and I take it out when I’m going exploring in SODO or South Park in the industrial areas. It’ll go almost anywhere.

The IRO is so light and fun. It’s a daily companion for me and thus naturally a big part of my life.

So that article? Mostly trash. There are plenty of good reasons for having a top tube pad. Shouldering a bike, protecting the paid from a ulock, a padding your knee if you use the top tube for a skid stop. I’ve never found these things so commonly difficult to justify a pad, but I get the function. If you have one because you like how it looks, that’s fine. People do this with everything. If you think you have to have one, well, that’s dumb.

I have a pile of spoke cards from different races and rides. There are memories in them, and when I see people with the same cards I’ll sometimes go up and talk to them. It’s a social thing. Red versus blue bandannas I don’t get, spoke cards I do. I don’t like the look of them in a bike, and I don’t have any on my bikes as a result.

I ride mostly upright in the city. There’s a lot going on and you need to ride pretty defensively. You also need pretty good leverage when skid stopping.Bullhorns are a great compromise for this. Drops are fine on my touring bike, but I don’t want to be that bent over when there are cars speeding towards me at angles. Straight bars don’t give you the leverage. My IRO still doesn’t have bar tape on it because I’m not committed to the setup and don’t want to blow money on replacing the bar tape as I try different things.

I hear Brooks saddles are uber comfortable. I rarely have issues with saddles and I’m fine with a < $200 saddle from an LBS. Mostly I don't want to go buy a new leather saddle (don't eat kittens), and these are popular enough you don't see many used, so I haven't even given it a try. There's a list of other benefits to riding fixed like learning a healthy cadence for your knees, something about lost power to the freewheel. I don't know a lot about these nor care much. Riding bikes is fun, riding fixed is a lot of fun. Fuck fashion and attitude. Go ride a bike. Speaking of which, it's sunny out, and I have another stem I want to try on the IRO. So I'm going to go do that.

Coffee makes my digestive tract all giggly. What a great, yet totally unproductive feeling week.

I quote this often, “The three grand essentials of happiness: something to do, someone (or something) to love, something to look forward to.” That was written on a piece of paper over my fathers mirror for years. I have no mantras, but my mind works in a relative manner, so I have many jumping off points for thought.

When I dropped out of high school, I stopped thinking about the future. More specifically, society had me convinced that it was the future that mattered, and I rebelled against that when I found it to be the source of much of my unhappiness. It got left behind.

Six months ago the future was thrust upon me with the question of what I wanted from a relationship right now. It took me a little bit to isolate that out of the anxiety. A bit of thought, writing and conversation later, the dissection brought me to a fork in the road.

I have no desire to settle down in the near future. I found myself considering compromises, would I trade a relationship for a bit more of the daily grind? A solid part of my life could be considered a daily grind, but I make regular efforts to go out and get involved in new activities, sometimes even meet new people AND talk to them, which blows my mind-of-yesteryear. I’m unwilling to give up hopes for more adventures, and unwilling to make compromises that decrease the likelihood of major changes in my life.

My father’s life, if you didn’t know, consists entirely of being grumpy, watching sports, drinking and a bit of eating, alone in the woods. With an occasional trip to see his parents and siblings for a weekend. This is concerning on a number of levels, but in regards to this thread, it is a summary of his having given up. Fire took our house, social dysfunction took his hobbies, my mother took his family, cigarettes took his job, etc. These are all things that happened to him. In the name of his financial future, he does very little now. Granted this is compounded by his health problems, a product of heavy smoking, but these too happened to him. He very slowly has taken some responsibility for these things, but I see little chance that enough tides will shift for him to start living again in time. I’ve grown accustomed to this fact over many years.

The anti-lesson I’ve taken from this is not living for the future; emotionally, or financially.

Suddenly I’m counting vacation days and trying to etch out a schedule with the people that matter to me and I desperately want a month spent breathing, in the near company of those I love. Every now and then I’m reminded that I do incredibly complex technical things for a big animal, and I just want to hold someone.

It’s incredibly likely in five years I won’t be working full-time anymore. I don’t know what that means to plans, but I’m really frustrated by having to make plans at the moment. Living this way isn’t worth it.

I saw this article about bicycles needing to stay out of the road on statenews.com a while ago. I’m pretty sure it came through bikeportland. I skimmed it, tagged it as another righteous idiot, and moved on. A thread showed up on point83 today and I went back. I get it, it’s a college paper, and this likely to be full of “Fuck yeah!” yelling asshats whose entitlement filled youth is now empowered by the impression that they’re college education makes their opinions informative. All the same, this isn’t Shelly The Republican, this is “college news”.

I’m frustrated by new specific laws popping up, it’s contrary to my pro-liberty beliefs. No cell phones while driving, no texting while driving. That Zack argues that killing someone wouldn’t be his fault because he was busy texting, thus not paying attention and they were in his way underscores the lack of personal responsibility that’s taken hold in so many. This only creates a larger movement for more of these irrelevant laws. “He wouldn’t have died if texting while driving was illegal”. Sure, but isn’t being a fucktard called reckless endangerment or something these days? Vehicular manslaughter?

I enjoy the argument that goes, “My concern is not merely about inconvenience. [there was a bicyclist in my way, so I did something unsafe to avoid being inconvenienced by their speed, thus creating an unsafe situation, and it was totally their fault. Man.]”

But roads are for cars, not bicyclists.

Bicycles traditionally have a right to the road. Sidewalks (with the exception of Multi-Use Paths) are rarely designed with bicycle traffic in mind, and often unsafe for bicycle operation. Just last night I was complaining about the overwhelming tendency of people (particularly in college debate) to make arguments and statements based on magic fairy dust. I’m willing to bet this is borne from, “I’ve always driven my car on the road, and I see cars on the road, theretofore, that’s what roads are for.” with absolutely no consideration put into actual transportation design.

I get it, bicyclists — you’re in the Tour de France.

I get it, driver – you’re in a Nascar race. That totally fucking explains the spoiler on the back of your sedan.

And the capstone argument? Most of the drivers on campus speed, so bicyclists are creating a dangerous situation.

Right, not merely about inconvenience. Shut the fuck up and get off the internet.

edit to add: Great mockery, Zack’s website.
“Major: International Relations and Journalism”.

Tomorrow night I start pre-calculus I at Seattle Central. When was the last time I took a college class? The failed attempt at business classes at University of Maine at Augusta over the television at the Ellsworth extension I bet. When I took the Compass test at SCCC, it placed me into Pre-calc II. That didn’t make any sense at all, having dropped out of Algebra II two or three times in my life. Not that class specifically, but whatever school I happened to be going to at the time. The first time was recognizing that high school and the paths it lead to simply weren’t making me happy, or going to. Then at UMA, where else? I’m pretty sure Physics was the only class I took at EMTC (before it was EMCC) in preparation for the Computer Networking program that I bailed on when I saw the syllabus and realized the last quarter of the last year would touch on what I was learning myself that summer.

But back to school I go all the same; for some math and computer science in the hopes that if I do see something that looks like it might be more interesting that the conversations I have with my colleagues and the resulting projects, I won’t have to worry about prerequisites.

And so I’ve been working through an Algebra book, recalling work I did a decade ago. Time allowing, I’ve got another Algebra book to work through after to fill in whatever holes were formed when I wasn’t paying attention because life suddenly seemed so much more important than school. Along with some Pre-calc. We’ll see.

I do most of my work at the dining room table, listening to some music. There’s the least distraction here, than downstairs or my room. I went to my room to get my laptop, because looking at the photographs I have in this room… made me need to shape some feelings into letters.

Most of the pictures I have in this room are of adventures. Most were ones I was on: motorcycling on the olympic peninsula, weekend trip to SF, Big Bend in Texas, the cascades, Yellowstone, the arboretum, the puget sound. Plus a couple of my parents, building the camp at Lunkasoos, reminding me of two people I never met until years later when they were different people.

A huge part of me is suddenly, and surprisingly, ready to leave Seattle. I’m juggling far too much to do it at the moment. Lawyers, debts, projects, all need finishing up. Where to? Out there! Life! Adventure!

An unusual or exciting experience

Because.

Some time ago I saw this yellow card magnet from Aerostich and I thought about making something for bicycling. I tried to contact some seattle bicycle advocacy people about the idea on myspace, but never heard back, so eventually I did it.

The other day I was reading some bicycling related articles on the Internet and found this one at crosscut about Peter Miller’s Yellow Cards. Peter writes about the origins of the idea,

… Aerostich copied them from my site after seeing them in the news, probably from the crosscut article. So the same steps happened, but in a different order. I think what you’re doing looks really really great. As you can see in my site, I originally posted the idea as an open-source contribution to the cycling community, so I am glad to see it expanding outwards.

I used to ride with Boston Critical Mass and came up with the Yellow Card in Chicago after a fatal accident occurred in front of my house (a bus killed a father of three). I really don’t like that Aerostich is charging a buck a piece for them (breaking creative commons liscence), but my desire to make it open source is a desire to encourage growth. It’s how market’s operate. Even after posting instructions on how to make them, I’ve gotten frequent requests to sell them. So I am really amped that you are choosing to give them out. That’s what I’ve been doing the whole time.

…

Lastly, you may find this totally pictographic iteration funny:
http://sooper-genius.blogspot.com/2006/12/this-is-bicycle-yellow-card-dont-let.html

It’s really exciting to know this started with bicycling, and that there’s momentum behind it.

Old Hispanic Guy: “So I heard you’re the big boss now.”
Old White Guy: “No, I thought you were.”
OHG: “I was going to be, but they didn’t want a Mexican in charge.”
OWG: “Come on, this is the United States of America.”
OHG: “This was the United States of America.”

I love the service elevator. I think blue collar people tend be more cynical and have more of a tendency towards sarcasm, while white collar folks think that’s all unprofessional and rude.

Which is why I’ll never be successful.

Loneliness is a feeling where people experience a powerful surge of emptiness and solitude. Loneliness is more than the feeling of wanting company or wanting to do something with another person. Someone who is lonely may find it hard to form human contact.

My parents divorced finally officially when I was fifteen. I think I was about twelve when they first separated. It was all some time in the making. I was fairly recently talking to someone about the likelihood of my independence coming from growing up in Maine, and I remarked that as far back as I can remember I have been the same person I am now. That is, while I’ve adapted many times, how I lived was essentially the same. No, I wasn’t into Linux or drinking at age five, but the parts of me that make me do what it is I do haven’t changed a whole lot.

I remember not understanding my parents problems, being perplexed by them. I didn’t think they were foolish or have any childhood fantasies that everyone should simply get along. Rather, I knew they were problems that were bigger than me. I was generally sure that I should have been affected more than I was. I remember laying on the floor in my room, trying to cry, but feeling no emotion come.

I couldn’t tell you when that changed, but it did exponentially.

My antics in movie theaters are usually the easiest for people to catch on to; laughing at the dramatic parts, having to get up and move around during the awkward parts, crying during the touching parts. I often jest about this and play it down, being it is the tip of a volatile iceberg.

Sometimes I wonder if my strong emotions are overflow from being younger. Occasionally I think that most people feel the same way, and it explains anger, violence and whatnot; because we don’t take the time to sort through these feelings. I don’t feel so sure about that though. Sometimes I hope that writing about how I feel will cause more people to open up, and we won’t all feel so distant and alone.

I hate feeling like a burden, but I do, and that causes me to close up.

When I feel like this, I can’t sit still, the feeling is overwhelming. Why am I at work?

I talk to the boss for a while on IM about operations design decisions…

The janitor comes in to take my trash. A couple more songs disappear…

Should I go back on a bike ride? Where to? Back to .83? Should I go home, for the first time in days?

Learning to cope with changes in life patterns is essential in overcoming loneliness.

Thanks wikipedia, you’re my only friend.

My boss just told me to hold on to my hat.

This is going to turn old school rants very quickly.

For some time I’ve believed that remaining stalwart was the best solution, and feelings subside in time. I’m worried that I’m missing an opportunity and doomed to repeatedly coming to the same door, look at it awkwardly, and turn away. Is life a Super Mario Brothers castle? Mother tends to always say that having strong feelings is better than having none at all. She’s right, of course, it’s not an answer of course, because there isn’t one. Life, well, is. Feelings are too. Why do I expect the coffee that was cold an hour ago to not be cold when I drink from it now? I worry about the consequences of how I feel, what to do with them, where to put them, how to share them, how to hold them, how to nurture them.

The problem is of course, that I own my feelings. Which, I suppose I do more than I say.

Everyone says that you’re entitled to your feelings. I feel like this is the conundrum of people saying that it’s not okay to be racist, and thus you shouldn’t be judgmental due to someones race, but they miss that the point is that you should being judgmental, and it has really little to do about race.

Do you feel like a volcano inside getting ready to erupt because of unexpressed feelings and thoughts?

In the past I’ve had relationships, both friends and girlfriends, where I’ve held back how I feel because I’ve experienced pretty negative reactions. Folks have been happy to say that I’m entitled to feel how I do, which is great except that they hold how I feel against me and develop bad feelings towards me because of I feel.

I can’t be afraid of that anymore.

I think less focus on distraction, and more focus on outlets is appropriate. Some honesty, and some work. Then maybe some sleep.

You know that gray tint that firefox gets on linux when it’s hung because you just asked tab mix plus to restore fourty tabs from your previous crashed session and one of them started a shitstorm?

That’s how I look right now.

SODO is beautiful at night.

After work, I rode up to the UD and went to a couple bars, ending up at the Big Time to watch the UW/ASU game with bike kids. Then off to the Awful Shark for the next to the last episode of BSG. Not wanting to go home, I rode over the hill to a bike kid party at the Center for Wooden Boats shop. I saw people I knew, but couldn’t get to them as when I got off my bike a girl immediately started hitting on me, asking me to explain how shifting worked and whatnot. Her friends came down from the street and started talking about taxi’s so I excused myself and went inside. There wasn’t any beer about, and folks started dancing. I wasn’t feeling being social, so I rode over to the Hurricane, had some dinner and read a little. The bus boy asked me what my gear ratio was. That was a first. Afterwards I rode down to SODO and toiled about a bit, exploring the alleys in between the large industrial buildings appreciating the older, smaller ones scattered about.

I’m building another fixie. I purchased most of the parts today. I got a 59cm IRO Mark V frame off ebay, most of the drivetrain parts from IRO, and some tires from Universal Cycles. I guess I need to dig up some clips and lights. My left thigh is bruised from bracing against the top tube to skid stop the 32mm Schwalbe’s on my Schwinn fixed. I’m going with a higher gear ratio, 170mm 46t x 16t on 700cm x 23mm. The Schwinn should be 40t x 17t on 27″ x 32mm. I don’t want to change the Schwinn, I like it being brutish and tough. But I’m also looking forward to a lighter more urban fixed gear as well. Don’t tell my mom though, she thinks I have enough bikes already.