I recall Saturday night being alright, yet spent Sunday, Monday and Tuesday confined to bed or the couch. Tuesday morning I was up early still feeling pretty terrible, went back to bed, and felt like I mostly just had a cold when I woke up about 2pm. Monica came over and took care of me a bit Tuesday night, bless her heart. Wednesday morning I awoke with the same terrible feelings, which didn’t bode well for my second attempt at getting back to Maine to see the family, the first delayed by Seattle Snowpacalpyse I. I had promised a friend I’d get into the office and sign a document though, so I set the alarm for 1pm before going back to bed. When I woke, I was back feeling like I just had a cold. So I packed, stopped in the office, ran a couple errands and came home for a nap. Anthony and David were coming down to play a tabletop with Tori, so I was able to get a ride from Anthony to the airport and made it there okay. I forgot to take a bottle of Pepsi out of my messenger bag, but fortunately that’s all security theater and they let me though alright. I wasn’t able to sleep on the overnight though, so by the time I met my grandparents at the airport I just wanted to get back to their camp and sleep. And so I did, waking up for some dinner with them, more liquids and drugs, then some more sleep until the wee hours of the morning. Since then I’ve been up. I bought Ender in Exile Wednesday and finished it. A must read for anyone who enjoyed Ender’s Game. Then some fussing with the computer here which appears to be perfectly preserved for the last five years.

In the afterword Orson Scott Card makes a reference to hoping that our veterans can find some connection to Ender’s character and his burdens that those around him generally cannot fathom. I hadn’t considered this, and found it interesting. I was brought to tears reading Peter express to Valentine his feelings about Ender writing The Hegemon and being understood. The book, and perhaps the series, tends to revolve and those who think themselves smarter than everyone else out stepping each other. Card also noted that rather than re-read all of his books to ensure he didn’t break any continuity, he consulted the community and pointed towards a new Ender’s Encyclopedia coming out that appears written by a fan. That a series of books has so many fans that it builds such a community isn’t surprising per se, but it sparks other thoughts. These notes all tie together around me in an interesting way.

I’m somewhat tired of the whining about finding out what you want to do with your life. Sure, I have a career that I’ve generally been in since the seventh grade, but whatever. Live your life. That goal is relatively simple. Do the things you want to do. I’ve never found those things hard. My trouble has always been figuring out how to live, who I am as a person, and as they say: what it all means.

Emotions make that tough. I’ve had a couple experiences lately that made me look back at girls that I used to like and somewhat suddenly look at them like just one more in the rat race, flailing widely. It’s absurd to think one is alone in having a goal, whatever magical goal it is that I do have. But it does feel lonely at times.

I can’t say I just want to enjoy myself, because I put a lot of effort into activities that aren’t always fun, like work, mowing the lawn, etc. I’d like to lay claim to a level of simplicity that’s more complicated than the word simple. Which just makes the little headache on the top left side of my head explode in a mushroom cloud in my head.

I suppose the big problem is that for all intensive purposes I am happy. I’m not fond of dating, yet like being liked, so there’s a goal there. I think part of my mind still thinks it’s 10 years ago and too easily forgets who I’ve become and the ways in which I’ve grown. That part of my mind also leans towards some fictional idea of perhaps where I’m supposed to end up, which has no correlation to where I am now.

Maybe it’s being home for the holidays and around family. There’s nothing to do really, which is great. I’ve read a book cover to cover since I left Wednesday night. I read some of a newspaper today, and remarked to myself on what comics have been replaced since I read the newspaper last year. So while there’s plenty of time for thinking, and who I am ensures plenty of thoughts… those choices that seem complicated don’t feel like they really are today.