Living with Ken and Tori is sometimes reminiscent of living in the loft, except you know, with dishes getting done and rent getting paid. I mostly say that because Ken and I are hanging out in the basement watching Fear and Loathing right now and it reminds me of the same activity but four years ago.

Aside from a short nap, tonights silent theme, filling my brain like a smoke filled cabin: reality. Rereading the non-religious portions of The Road Less Traveled reminds of me of picking the book up in different periods of my life like a flashback drawn on the corners of a pad of paper. I’ve always felt like I had little place telling people the way things are, but simultaneously wondering how the fuck so many people seem so sure about the way things are.

Tori and I had a conversation last night at Squid and Ink where I professed my insight that people don’t get me because they make assumptions about me and how that’s frustrating because I feel like I’m a much more open person that I come off as; this blog aside. This is a long standing idea of mine that I’m sure I’ve spoken of on many occasions where I assume that folks and friends alike judge me and then act according to those judgments. On an intermediary point, it makes sense and I don’t see why the wouldn’t. It’s only natural and I should be feeling shorted by it especially since I can’t come up with anything that I’m missing out on really. The only affected bits are their ideas about me, and that’s not really the point of kicking around this rock, is it? I suppose I could be worried that I’d be described as less reasonable or something than I feel I am, but that just leads into intermediary point number two, which I think I’ll postpone actually. I suppose it comes from wanting to be, or identifying as a “quiet, handy, wise” type or so. We want others to see ourselves and we want them too, why not?

Part of picking up this book again was being reminded of it by the drama of the last couple months, which has come along with the sidekick of projecting fault. Most everyone seems so caught up in how tough others make their lives, which is odd to me as I’ve always been the type to blame myself. As the winter comes to a close and the clouds clear, I’ve been picking up the pieces and remembering the end of high school eight years ago (holy crap, that was higher than I expected) and feeling that I haven’t had such a tough period since. It feels like so very much has happened, life has completely changed since moving to Seattle; which is partly ironic as I recall forcing myself out for a walk in the sun and lunch at a new pub today under the premise that every day of my shouldn’t be the same, even if I’m going to work most of them. I hadn’t really thought about blaming myself before but I suppose I realize now that I more resent myself than blame myself, in a way that’s subconscious enough that it’s been such an invisible burden in the past. Fancy word is neurosis, I don’t know if I feel alright using it.

My desires have become more clear, what I like about people, what kind of people I want around me and what I want to do with my time. I’m unsure how much that shows, although granted the people around me on any regular basis have only known me for a couple of years so it would be hard for them to tell. I’m definitely more sure of myself, perhaps because of all of that. I’m uncertain also how clear that is to people that haven’t known me, in comparison to others. I wonder how people take me when I say something.

Is my sarcasm clear? I don’t think so. I’ve seen a couple situations at work recently when I’ve put my foot down about something and a couple of days later people took me much more stern and serious that I feel like I’m putting out. I suppose it’s a product of the times, my times that is. I value my time more and more. I turned down helping a coworker with computer problems today (friend of a friend sort of thing), which was a bit surprising to me when I thought about how naturally it came about after.

I suppose the explanation for creation of neurosis is so that we don’t have to deal with something that we don’t have to, at least immediately.  Back to the point, as I’m thinking tonight I realize I’ve been talking about wanting people to ask me, to engage me more, because I’m open to it. And I realize that puts the pressure on them, where as I should be just as capable of taking the step forward and asking myself. One can try to excuse oneself over a lack of opportunity, but I guess I feel like there are only so many days the sun will rise right now, and there’s little growth to be found in waiting for things to happen for you.