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Someone at work recently commented:

You’re pretty lucky to be having another birthday after deciding to take on a large vehicle with nothing but a little motorcycle and your body at high speed

That means that you are destined for something great.

It’s interesting that searching on the internet for emotionally inspired content doesn’t quite produce the same results as one gets on the technical bits. The idea that being around unhappy people makes you unhappy chemically is interesting, and does have a interesting tie to the quote “The cure for unhappiness is happiness.” from my last post.

I tend to not be the type of person to get worked up too much. It’s be nice to explain it as being something I’ve learned over time, but I think it’s just the way I am, that is, the way I came. I’d agree that not getting upset by proxy is important in dealing with people’s emotions. Again, it comes pretty naturally and I sort of lose control when I get too upset; in a way that makes me feel like I’ve lost traction and I’m not going anywhere. It’s ironic that I feel like I haven’t found many that agree that arguments tend to go nowhere. I’ve always assume this was given and a personal goal of all searching for some kind of enlightenment. In retrospect, it hasn’t been. I’m still unconvinced I should be any other way.

You don’t look too messed up.

Yeah well, everything below the neck works fine.

I don’t know that I have evidence that isn’t anecdotal, but I consider myself a pretty emotional person. At least in my own head, I’m convinced it is something worth saying as I feel that there’s been some kind of social or societal pressure to be otherwise. I’ve mentioned my surprise at my father much more of an emotional person than I had gathered, which probably sort of lead to more wondering about what he was like in the before times.

As I scroll down through a page of rants in search of something about the thoughts I’ve had since printing photos of my parents in decades past, I realize just how pervasive thinking about what to do with emotions is in my writing.

And anytime you feel the pain, hey jude, refrain,
Dont carry the world upon your shoulders.
For well you know that its a fool who plays it cool
By making his world a little colder.

I’ve commonly worried about my emotions being a burden on other people, which is likely something that’s very connected to feeling like I’m some kind of ugly duckling in a world that has it all figured out. With age/wisdom/experience comes bits of realizing that generally those that aren’t emotional are the ones the don’t have anything figured out at all. Despite being business focused, I found this interesting.

I used to believe my emotions were a weakness, and I’m sharing this information with the hope you can avoid the painful lesson I had to learn.

I could quote most of the articles on that site and I identify with it heavily, especially parts about the school system being fracked.

The most valuable skill you can possess is the ability to acquire useful knowledge and apply it to solve real problems. Once you own this skill, you have all the education you’ll ever need.

It would be interesting some day to make a list of things I think I learned in school. There are bits like the Pythagorean theory and what genetial warts look like. The failure in schooling came, and I’ve yet to be able to return to the times before this knowledge, when I realized I wanted to learn, and learned much more when I was allowed to do so, rather than when it was dictated. A house of card collapsed, I dropped out, and life started over. Years later a guidance counselor from a brief stint in a public middle school asked my mother of me and upon learning that I had dropped out expressed that she was glad, and admitted that seeing my chewed up and spit out by the system was some part of realizing that schools just aren’t good for some people.

I think the best part about sites like that, is that it shows that more people are thinking, and feeling. I truly think that is wonderful, it’s like an emotional awakening, a tide like in a celestine prophecy sort of way. It starts with finding any outlet, but will grow, and I’m very interested to see where it will be a couple of decades from now.

Who’s going to pay anyone to take a test? What does a test measure? It measures your ability to memorize stuff. Who is paid to memorize stuff? Actors? Pilots? I don’t know. I’ve never been paid to memorize stuff.

I suppose that I’m paid to memorize stuff. I’m pretty good at it, but what’s most important is that I can analyze and relate information. My mind is full of technical information, but rather than knowing exact steps to make something happen, my understanding of the parts leads me to know what steps to take to find the pieces I don’t know. Which is pretty essential in what I do (Systems Administration) because I use new hardware and new software to do new things every single day. It’s interesting to ponder how this has affected my mind. I often come up with stories in social situations that I’m reminded of, that may or may not be a great story or really relevant, but are connected. I think this is the same wiring.

I does seem that there is more discussion these days that you don’t have to be a carbon copy. I don’t really recall my parents fighting over how to raise me, but I know it was there. I’m fortunate because I grew up knowing that my mother loved me regardless of what I did and with my father reassuring me that he “always knew I was going to turn out ok”. Am I ok? I don’t know, I suppose that depends on what he meant. I’m “successful” in most the ways that people said I never would be due to dropping out of school. I’m across the country, in a big city, with a big job, doing interesting things. None of which is really how I take stock of my own life though. It’s interesting that the motivator for me is almost always how I feel about something. I like my job, and enjoy working with good people, and it’s why I do it. I like Seattle, and my friends here, and I’m glad I got here. I find little value in spending time thinking about how I got here, other than in realizing how those its affect where I’m going now.

I have high hopes for the future, some how. That’s a little surprising, but I think things are going to turn out pretty alright. I often find myself weighed down by all the things that need to be done, and the prospect of all the things that will need doing. It’s possible that keeping busy is a subconsciously learned lesson to avoid dealing with life, which is just another way of saying avoid dealing with how I feel. Because it’s never as hard actually doing what you’re worrying about as it is dealing with how you feel about it.

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